Protected: Ran Away with the Circus…Again

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Happiness Assessment

Based on Gretchen Rubin’s book the Happiness Project, here is an on going assessment of my personal Happiness Project. Please note that almost nothing listed requires any change, need or want in behaviors of others. Almost everything is instead a commandment or assessment of myself and my own wants, needs, thoughts and behaviors.

Drains:

Guilt
Punctuality
Waking up
Commuting
Jealousy
Illness
Worry about sleep
Chronic To do lists
Messiness
Too much alcohol
Bad food
Social Time that feels like a chore
Communication upkeep & guilt
unfinished projects
Complaining
Other people’s guilt trips and hang ups
Secrets/Lying

Sources:

Trapeze
Baths
Sleep
Stretching
Hot Yoga
Heartfelt giving
Chanting
Being cared for unconditionally
Feeling beautiful
Feeling strong
Cuddling
Alone Time
Evie Time
Friends that make me laugh
New projects & ideas
Creating
Playing
Laughing and Giggling
Learning
Connecting amazing people to amazing things and people
Sharing the knowledge I’ve gained
Success at goals

Feeling Right (what I’m succeeding and failing at):

-New York City (no idea where to move)
-Job (moving towards positive)
-family/community (not enough time)
-time/lifestyle
?Romantic life (not sure what I want)
+Circus
+Travel
+Financial Stability
+purging excess stuff
+Success

“10″ Commandments:

*Change your thoughts (Pollyanna)
*Look up, look around, breathe, notice something new
*Appreciate your own time, every minute you’ve been given of your specific journey right now
*Make it work, if you long for that dream you can have it, but you have to make it happen
*No excuses. Ever. Especially to yourself.
*Take care of self (wash face, eat veggies, don’t drink too much, floss)
*Do what you’d want done and don’t give anything you wouldn’t want to receive
*Jealousy gets you misery and exclusion, caring and love bring positive energy back to you.

Tackling problems:

*Allow to wake up when I wake up.
*Don’t get upset if sleep is interrupted, play with Evie, sing, be thankful for day.
*Reframe all thoughts positive.
*Eat salad or brown rice once a day.
*Stop drinking daily, even if it’s just one glass of wine.
*Connect and make time for who you want to see, no guilt over who you don’t.
*Connect with family weekly somehow.
*Keep up with financial progress from 2010, year of finances, but tackle 2011, year of organization.
*Stretch like a contortionist, condition like a sculptor and warm up like a runner/jump roper/trampoliner!
*If you’re not being challenged, challenge yourself.
*Get out of dodge once every three months and get perspective.
*Ask for help!
*Repay debts of gifts, friendship, energy and money or don’t accept them.

Making Your Own Rules

Today, the fourth day of being sick in bed is finally, I think, the last one. Its boring. Especially as you start to feel better and want to do things like work on the ideas for your new trapeze routine that you’ve had so much time in bed to think about, but not enough energy to actually rehearse. Frustration!

Of course, I could insert a happy lesson here about being grateful for my body’s ability to heal or that I have a bed to convalesce in and that all I’m healing from is a sore throat. But after four days of feeling guilty, pressured, stressed and worried about what I’m missing, and who I’m letting down, I’d rather write about taking control of my own life.

I could have made the decision to push through being sick, to pop antibiotics on day one instead of seeing if my body could heal itself first and I could have pushed myself to overcome what my body was telling me in order to train in the name of following my dreams on the trapeze and all that. But I chose not to. Consciously. And I’m lucky enough (stubborn enough) to have structured my life so that 90% of the time I can make those decisions. So what’s with the guilt? Who’s pressuring me? While there are definitely some people out there who are manipulating their notions of loyalty, authority or what have you on my life to their own ends, most of the pressure comes from myself. And any pressure that I allow from outside is just that, pressure that I allow.

Four days away from the world gave me a cleaner house bit by bit as I got more energy, let me go through some pictures from the past that have been sitting in a box for months, let me smile and laugh and cry at some of those pictures instead of rushing through them, let me organize a little of my closet, watch tv, write, sit still on my roof on a beautiful night with a great friend who I love so much more dearly than I can say and even harder but better, to sit still with myself and get a little perspective on my life in this crazy city.

So who’s running your life? Yes, we need to pay the bills, care for family and friends, have discipline to reach our goals. Yes choices about how to do that get more and more difficult in this economy everyday. But how we do those things is still a choice. Its our life and we might just only get one.  I’m overjoyed to be able to say that I’m following my dreams.  Its not always easy and I don’t like every choice that I make to get there.  Seeing more of my friends and family would be nice!  But I’m still choosing what kind of life I want to live.  I’m making each little decision about each sacrifice, risk and opportunity as it comes along.  So I might as well try to own that and do it consciously.  And while I’d appreciate it if other people wouldn’t pressure me so much, I’d probably appreciate it most if I didn’t pressure myself on behalf of anyone but myself.

So now I’m going to listen to Muse’ new song Uprising.  Again. You should too. Watch the video for the weird teddy bear monsters too, it somehow makes me laugh and feel like a bad ass at the same time.

Personal Responsibility

We all have things that we regret or dislike about our lives. Sometimes they are clear decisions or mistakes that we made that are or seem unchangeable. Sometimes it seems as if the world is against us, like we are defeated before we even begin. The latter may even be true, but today I’d like to make a personal challenge to find my personal responsibility in all parts of my life.

It occurs to me that this is one of the biggest determiners of happiness and success in one’s life. For instance, two neighbors might both be poverty stricken or ill, but one is happy, cheerful and loving while the other is closed up, lonely and bitter. Why? Or what makes a person unstuck after a failure? Why do some give up and some try again?

There may not be much one can do about being struck ill, for instance, but there is responsibility for how they manage their bodies and their condition. There is how they’ve cared for themselves in the past and decisions about how to do so in the future. There are decisions about how to handle change, failure, unfairness. Neither choice is right or wrong, but if it is taken responsibility for then one cannot be unhappy about it. It is just as fine for a failed entrepreneur to say “I just don’t want to work this hard to make it, I’d rather have a pension or benefits,” as to say “I want to run my own company, it is who I am, I will try again and I will succeed.” But these are both very different than saying “The system is unfair and it’s impossible for me to reach my dreams, so I’m stuck in this crappy life that I hate.”

Today I am going to begin to examine the things that I like and don’t like about my life and see where my responsibility lies and why I’m making the choices that I am.

Expressing Irritation

I just spent my morning pouting and whining at my friend for waking me up early. Fair right? Especially after he cooked me an elaborate dinner and gave me an hour and a half massage last night. I mean who cares if he meant well or not, I’m cranky when I get woken up. I am distinctly NOT a morning person. But I was irritated and no matter how many times in my head I tried to tell myself I was being a bitch I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of it.

But I wonder if it isn’t healthy anyways to be irritated sometimes if it’s done right? After all there was a great deal of self mockery involved in this morning’s pissyfit which I daresay made it more amusing and tolerable to endure than if I’d tried to justify my bad behavior. And what if I’d found a way to just grin and bear it? Well, then that irritation would probably burst through later under some other passive aggressive mask. I mean it’s probably best that I expressed my anger or irritation with as much self awareness and love that I could muster in those hours that are quite literally for the birds.

So perhaps expressing and airing anger or frustration is good. The danger I think is in continuing to express it after the fact. Holding grudges, wearing pains or hurts like some kind of armor of victimhood only I think hurts everyone involved, perhaps the ‘victim’ most of all. After all each repetition of a negative story reinforces and makes the brain relive the original pain, sometimes worse than the original incident even was. It also makes it nearly impossible in my experience to deal with any situation or person clearly without all that baggage added on. And we all know now that additional baggage comes with fees.

So how do we balance the expression and the moving on? How do we express irritation or it’s nasty big sister anger? How do we close situations and resolve for ourselves our emotions (after all we are the only ones really responsible for how we feel) so that we can move on without that cranky morning carrying over for the rest of the day, the week or heaven forbid for years? For me, today it’s about venting in this blog. It’s about trying to healthfully resolve situations that upset me with love and an open mind. And it’s about knowing that sometimes I’m a totally impossible bitch and being thankful for the people that can see past that.

Fear

I’ve always maintained in my art that what scares me the most is usually the right thing to do.  Its an indicator that something actually means something to me.  I also think that this is true in major life decisions, but can be harder to follow.  Yesterday I performed with 60 other amazing and talented dancers and artists in a piece called 60×60 as a part of dance parade.  It was my first real time performing outside of the total protection of my school’s supportive bubble.  I was scared and nervous about doing well, representing the school well, and about if my piece was up to the caliber of the other performers.  I think I held back some of my instincts a little even out of this fear.  But as usual, I realized that I could have fully gone there and that it was worth it.  Fear indicates the right path.  But outside of art, this is a harder line to see.  I think deep down I know that it is time for me to move on in my life.  Seven years in New York is much longer than I ever anticipated staying and I feel like I’ve been trying to leave for years.  But I am terrified.  I would be leaving love, community and comfort in what I have here.  Why am I not content with that?  Is something wrong with me?  How can I know that I want to be somewhere I’ve never been?  I can’t see around that bend in the road to see if it would be a good decision or not.  But even as I write this, I think that I know it is.  Of course there will be hardships and sadness and problems here or anywhere else, but if my heart is telling me to move and my mind is shaking with fear, the indicators are probably good for a lot of growth, joy and beauty as well.  What about you?  What are you most afraid of?  Is it also what you long for in your deepest self?  And does anyone know of any awesome (and paid!) aerial gigs in South America?

Self Care

We all have unhealthy indulgences, for some its a night out drinking and partying while for others it might just be a sweet tooth or a love of spending a little too much time watching trashy TV.  In moderation these indulgences are probably actually healthy.  Its good to relax a little sometimes, let loose, let off steam.

But the reality is, the more effort you can put into your own health, the better and happier you will feel.  For me this means scheduling a day of Erinina each week where I don’t have to be anywhere, don’t have to talk to anyone and can balance half the day with catching up on my to do lists and half the day doing whatever and eating whatever I want.  It also means eating better the rest of the week, trying not to drink alcohol more than two nights a week (and not excessively then) and getting 9 hours of sleep.  Yes, I need 9.  I am an unhappy, grouchy, emotional, ill feeling person with less.  My particular body needs that much sleep.  It also can’t digest wheat.  And aside from a current gastro-intestinal problem, it likes green leafy things, even if sometimes I think it likes fried fish more.  It doesn’t.  These things can be hard to remember, but when followed, I get these surges of energy and joy and inspiration.  When ignored, I am more likely to be depressed.

So, now I’m going back to my to do lists and Erinina day.  Take care of you today too!!

Forgiveness

I wanted to talk about being reasonable today. I wanted to talk about how goals should be set at accomplishable levels in order to not constantly feel defeated and guilty for not keeping them. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I overbook myself, aim too high and take on too much on a daily basis. Because of this it can be really easy to feel defeated and like a failure.

That’s what I wanted to write about, but when I wrote ‘Being Reasonable’ in the subject line that Landmark phrase “being reasonable will get you a reasonable life, how do you get an extraordinary life?” echoed in my head. I thought about it and it’s true. Aiming high is how you grow, it’s how you accomplish amazing things and don’t stay stuck, unchallenged and unhappy. But it also can be easier to see all the failures lining up to those few moments of victory.

Then I realized that it isn’t choosing reasonable and attainable goals that I wanted to write about. It’s about forgiving myself when I stumble in the face of mountains. And this made me realize that aiming high is what makes forgiving myself for these failures possible in the first place. If I were pursuing reasonable goals, there would be nothing for me to feel but discouragement and self loathing when I failed, i.e. “jeez I can’t even get the dishes done!” as opposed to “well, the dishes aren’t done but sat will be my third performance this month, so it’s probably acceptable.”

I think there’s a ton of evidence about this, leading challenging growth driven lives and what not, I’ll let you all look it up. Feel free to post and comment if you know more about this stuff than me, which is highly likely. What I do know is that however short I may come on certain things, I’m far more productive and happy when I’m a little busier and more stressed (challenged?) in life than when I’m bored and lazy.

Showing Up

So here’s where I get a little less preachy and a little more humble. One of Gretchen Rubin’s happiness rules is Show Up. This means your sister’s graduation, your friend’s birthday party, visiting a friend’s new house, a colleague’s performance. Now, the impossibility of being everywhere at once in NYC aside, I am terrible at this. Really, categorically awful. And what’s worse is that I expect the return of such things from certain people in my life knowing that I myself am awful at it.

For instance, I am currently not speaking to my best friend bc he missed my last performance (a Charlie Chapman silks piece that I was super nervous about and spent four months getting ready). He also was out of town for my birthday, so I’ve unfairly decided that he really doesn’t care about me at all. Even though he’s always there when I’m sick, my cat needs feeding, I’m depressed, etc.

Meanwhile, I can’t seem to commit to a dinner date with another good friend and constantly shirk off going to my fellow aerialists events bc I’m tired, have to work, need time alone, etc. I also lately haven’t seemed to be able to find the time in the week for a half hour phone call to any of my family members.

Sometimes social obligations feel like a chore. But the reality is I’m usually happier when I’ve shown up. I hugely resist this fact, don’t get me wrong, but it’s true. This morning I got up at an hour that to me feels like six am to go to breakfast with a friend. I had a lovely time, I’m hugely glad I made it, especially since I missed one of her biggest art shows. Even if I’m sleepy the rest of the day, it was worth it. Yesterday I finally talked to my mom for an hour, I realized how out of the loop missing those phone calls makes me feel. I made it to my friend’s housewarming birthday party and had a blast. Deep down I know that attending other’s artistic events is inspiring, supportive and crucial to having that artistic community that I always whine about missing out on. So today I’m accepting that Showing Up might be a good resolution for me after all.

And since this is something I’m working on, I’ll most likely still fail at it a lot in the process. So, I’m sorry for the failures in the past and the inevitable ones to come, but I hope to see you soon!

Efficiency: Planned or Frantic

I’ve always sort of taken my inborn love of efficiency for granted. For instance when I first moved to New York I was instantly enamored with the subway system because my commute time would now be usable. Think of all the reading I’d catch up with, the emails I could compose on my blackberry, the lists and plans and sketching I could do instead of having to pay attention to the road!

And I still use that time six years later to fit more of my to do list into my day (I mostly write these on my way to the circus or work for instance). But I’ve since learned that subway rides can be exhausting too, all those cranky people shoved in a train smelling, sniffling, crying, yelling, blaring their annoying music.

Then there’s the fact that lately I’ve realized that my efficiency has become a crutch that I use to keep up rather than a tool that I use for success. Already today I’ve been late for chiropractic appt, am late for a rehearsal which is going to make me late for or miss another rehearsal all before class and then heading to work for the evening. Clearly while all this late commuting still allows me to write this post, I didn’t plan my morning or my commute time consciously into my day. What if I did?

What if I utilized those little fifteen minute slots on my dayplanner and stuck to them? What if I was honest with myself about needing a half hour of wake up Erinina time and woke up early enough to get that, instead of skipping a shower and still being late to wherever I’m going? What if I treated my time with the sane reverence that I treat others (maybe even better without that fifteen minutes late part)?