“Yes” to a Performing and Creating Family

Just before I left my new home in Austin to return to NYC for two weeks, I received a Facebook invite from a friend there, Stav Equality Meishar. Since I get around ten invitations a day on facebook, much of it not even remotely near where I live, or could feasibly attend, this was no big thing. In fact, I most likely wouldn’t have even noticed it if it hadn’t included a personal message that this event had made her think of me, specifically. Intrigued, I opened the event page at exactly 12:01pm on April 7th, 2013 to find that it was in fact a notice to audition for what looked like a Cirque troupe here in Austin. An audition that in fact had started just one minute before I opened the invite on that very day.

Image Credit: ashleeholmes.buzznet.com

“Too bad I missed it, looks kind of cool,” was my first thought. Then, “well, I don’t have plans today…but I also don’t have a way to get there, or anything prepared.” Again, “well it looked interesting, maybe in the future.” Then, I told a friend of a friend who was staying in our apartment about it as I fixed my coffee. And suddenly I had the offer of a ride, just like that.  Wait, what?  “No, I’m not going, it already started.  I don’t have anything prepared.”

And that’s when I realized that I was saying “no.” I didn’t need a perfected audition piece, I had dozens of sequences on my trapeze, stage presence, a love of improvising dances on my apparatus, and I could RSVP to the audition and see if they still had any spots open for me to come in. To which I received an almost immediate “yes” back. And suddenly I was committed. I was auditioning for a troupe. Which was fine, I could always try it and see if it was for me, I could always say “no” later, in other words.

Somewhere around the part where we improvised physical theater with each other, I had decided these might be my kind of people. Yes, I was that stubborn about it. It wasn’t until the day that the cast was to be announced and I was anxiously checking my email that I really owned that I wanted to be a part of this group. And it wasn’t until two weeks later, back in Austin and attending rehearsals, timidly trying to learn the awesome dance skills other people were bringing to the table that I started to understand my own resistance and why this opportunity was so special.

See, I hadn’t truly been a part of a group, a whole heart committed, 3-4+ days a week of rehearsals kind of group in five years. I’d dipped my toe into being a part of a circus group in NYC just before I left, but I’d never been able to participate much more than showing up for performances with my own act. I was overbooked, and that felt like all they needed from me anyways. That left my own theater group, which I’d disbanded exhausted, wanting more experience and more time to create my own work, five years prior. On my way to NYC, I learned that I was a core member of the troupe Crash Alchemy back in Austin TX and that we’d be putting on a show in just 5 weeks, on May 18th.

Okay, I didn’t really know what that meant, but I knew I would be dancing and acting and creating and trapezing. I wanted to be a part of building this group, of creating something together. I’d fallen into a family of people who somehow magically wanted to make the kind of things that I wanted to make. And it had all almost happened by accident.  Or maybe by sheer force of the Universe reminding me to say “yes” and stop being so stubborn all the time. It was okay to commit to this. I was more creative, making more art in my life, not less. And the people in the group were there for each other, talented and into the vision of working in multiple disciplines. I think somehow I’d believed that I couldn’t find another group I’d love as much as my hand selected theater group years before. And I’d believed that committing to a group again would stunt my own work again. At the same time, I kept craving and wondering why I couldn’t find community in NYC.  Well, no wonder when I’m this gun shy about commitment, huh.  Head. Trapeze Bar.

May 18th has come and gone with spectacle and love and just more and more amazing talent, community and group love and support.   I am learning what it means to be a part of the right creative family for me, ups and downs, exhaustion and success.  And I wholeheartedly love it and am honored to be a part of it.

Image Credit: Ed Lehmann

 

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The Parameters of Kicking, Whining, Crying, and Hissing My Way Through a Year of Saying “Yes”

Well, we’ve said goodbye to 20-12 and all of it’s magical, earth-shattering, mind-bending forces of change.  And here in Erinina Land, we’re welcoming 2013 with a big bang of our own. We spent the last days of the year packing a moving truck, performing a last mega New Year’s Eve in NYC with no other than Moby (yeah, that Moby), and then in the wee days of 2013, we began a week-long road trip to Austin, TX.  [In fact, I wrote this post originally as planned on January 2nd.  Apparently, we are having technical difficulties…because here I am editing it in draft form on January 11th.  Well, I’m saying “yes” to pushing ahead through mistakes too.  Convenient, eh?]  I am heading west in hopes of a better life, as our forefathers also did.  After all, “there are no Taxes in Texas, and the streets are paved in gold” or something like that*.

So, as I have obsessively been mentioning on multiple social media platforms (like I know what I’m doing), this year also marks my year-long commitment to  saying “yes” to what the world offers to me, and to what my deepest version of my truest self desires.  So what does that hippie sounding, new age weirdness mean exactly? Well, let’s lay out the parameters, shall we?

For a girl who spent quite a few years in NYC learning how to stand up for herself and say “no,” as well as quite a few years before that (all her life), honing her own stubborn Viking traits; it seems time to take that knowledge and you know, try something a little different.  I could become a grumpy old stick in the mud, who knows what she likes, gosh darnit.  Or, it could be time to try on things that I might automatically reject because I think I know better, or because some deep subconscious mind is scared, or even just to listen more deeply, not just to myself (but god forbid), other people, who might have great lessons to impart.  Like, maybe I could listen to someone who could teach me to stop writing super long, run-on sentences, like that last one.  Just Maybe.  Or actually, “yes, I will.”

I fear that over time, I’ve reverted to the two-year-old, protesting just to assert my own control and power.  But, what opportunities am I missing in my stubborn, drag my heels, “don’t tell me what to do, I know what’s best for me, and what I like, and where I’m going” mentality? Do I really always know whats best for me?  Likely not.  Unless, we’re talking about the part of me that requires deep peace and quiet, or disciplined meditation in order to be heard above all the stubborn Ego Erinina-isms.

Alright, alright.  So, that’s the basic why.  And my previous post discusses the serendipitous steps that brought me to this epiphany of saying “yes.”  Now, let’s set some parameters.  How do I say “yes,” and when?  Because, well, sorry to say, creepers…but the year of saying yes does not mean you can hit on me and I’ll just say “yes, whatever you want.”  Nope, nope, nope.  That’s not how it works.  Here’s how it works:

1. When the Universe (or you know, just a person in it) presents an opportunity that will not jeopardize my health, sanity, or predetermined goals for the year; I will say “yes.”

2. When my deepest, truest self sings to me to follow, or ties my stomach in knots with warning; I will say “yes, I am listening,” and take the necessary steps to stay on the path that is right and safe for me.  I will also not use fear as an excuse, since I have spent enough time listening to myself to know the difference between a fear that means, “yes, go forward” and a knot in my stomach that says “don’t let this psycho kill you.”

3. When I must say “no” to someone, I will say so in a way that validates them and their invitation, by saying “Yes, but that is not for me” or “Yes, but I cannot do that right now.”  Unless they are total creepers.  Then, I get to say “yes” to totally telling them that they’re a creeper.  Because my deepest, truest self can be a little sassafras.

4. I say “yes” to failure and learning.  I am already failing and saying “no” out of habit and doing the kicking and screaming against change that is in my nature.  I expect pitfalls.  I say “yes, bring them on.”  At least this blog will be more interesting for y’all.  I mean, trust me, next week’s post is already full of me ‘effing this whole thing up.  Read on, my trusty followers.  This is likely to be one interesting tug of war between my ego and my super ego and, well, you know, just the everyday shit of life.  Sorry mom, but I’m also saying “yes” to swearing.  I swear.  Like a sailor.  Someday, I want to be a sailor.  Makes sense, I guess.

Alright, alright.  I think that is enough for now.  Parameters set.  We can always add amendments later.  After all, if the founding fathers can’t get the constitution right on the first try, cut me some slack.  I’m just a blog writer people.

 

*You’re supposed to sing this quote to the song, “There Are No Cats in America” from An American Tail.  Also, from what I can tell so far…there are just as many taxes in Texas as there were cats in America.  Go Figure.

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Why Hello Madam Universe, I’m Listening

Dear Ms. Universe,

There have been times in my life where you’ve just smashed me over the head until I understood what you are trying to tell me.  Usually a whole host of ugly, bad things happen because I’m stubborn and trying to make something work that won’t.  I don’t mean an “I should keep trying and not give up” type of scenario.  I mean a “that’s nice that you think you’re stuck or have to do it this way, but hello, dummy it’s not working” kind of thing.  Usually just accepting that I’m on the wrong path opens up a whole host of opportunities, because you are a good Universe when we listen.  Like when I couldn’t go back to Greensboro College because of money.  I got nominated for an Irene Ryan award, traveled to Oxford School of Drama, seriously boosted my employment experience and then got to go to Sarah Lawrence College, which was really a perfect fit for me.  You really did know best, when I finally listened.

So now, I’m in a similar place.  My current night club job is no longer working for me.  The late hours, some negative energy, my exhaustion levels…not conducive to the launch of my amazing circus career!  Its getting harder and harder to train working the graveyard shift.  I want you to know, my friend, I hear you.  I am getting the message.  I think I should be awake at relatively the same time as the sun.  I mean, I’m not talking 7 am, let’s not get crazy people.  But, going to bed at 3-5am is getting way old as I get older.  And my body is feeling it.

At the same time, I need to make a certain income.  And I don’t want to take a step down to some $15/hour over-worked, sell out thing that I can’t be at all passionate about.  I know, I’m stubborn. But I’m also building a trapeze and writing career that are actually getting some attention and momentum and I need a certain level of fulfillment, flexibility and time to accomplish those things.  So what’s a girl on the cusp of hitting the tipping point towards her dreams to do in the meantime?  I’m genuinely confused. Do, dear Universe, enlighten me.

Well, what’s a personal growth blog like this for, but to ask advice?  So, here it is.  I’m looking for part time or freelance gigs in the following areas, or a job that can support me in those areas.  And I’m asking you dear blogosphere for your feedback, or connections, or maybe just a virtual hug. ;)

Projects I’m currently working on that are making various levels of progress:

-Upcycled art and curated jewelry design: (http://cirquecouture.storenvy.com/  or  http://www.etsy.com/shop/Erinina7)

-Fire Trapeze, Burlesque Trapeze, Theatrical Aerial, Performance Art Aerial, Silks: (www.erininamarieness.com)

-Writing and blogging: (here, quixoticfiction.wordpress.com, unabashedlyyou.wordpress.com and a private blog with some interestingly more edgy, underground NYC stuff too)

-SEO, Social Media, Etc: I have been learning a ton about this stuff, learning curve only to improve.  This has been like my homework and fun reading for the last few months.

-I love food, food politics, how nutrition affects different people different ways, and ways to move and workout to keep your body healthy

Jobs that I think would be a good fit:

-Teaching kids aerial, teaching all ages theater/performance workshops-also available on aerial.

-Performing my stuff, for now: static, dance trapeze, burlesque trapeze and silks.  Fire coming very, very soon.

-Writing for Ezines, publications, web content that falls into my areas of ability and interest (fantasy fiction, happiness/self-help/inspiration articles, reviews of theater, food or events, underground NYC tales, travel)

-A part time, positive environment, afternoon office job where I can write as long as my work is done, & no customers are there.

-Travel gig.  Writing about travel, small trips or big.  Reviewing places, etc.  Not looking for 24/7 on a plane like a flight attendant.  ;)

-Places where I can learn/practice skills I love as an additional benefit to the qualifications I bring to my job (rowing, sailing, circus, fitness, physical theatre, burlesque, art making)

-Part time, flexible, good pay.  Sorry, I’m 32 and do have a lot of skills, and a lot of bills…not looking for internships or entry-level stuff.

-A book advance on one of my various projects (no idea how that works, do you?).

-I also have a very small amount of money that I would invest in the right Start-up.  Small amount and right Start-up are the key words here.

Experience I bring to the table:

-Management (of people and spaces)

-Theater Direction/Coaching

-Aerial/Circus

-Burlesque/Go Go Dance

-Writing

-Teaching

-Social networking, Promotion

-Bartending

-Performance

-Customer Service

-Producing

So, there you go Universe…I’m putting it out there.  I need a new part time gig.  Probably an interesting combination of part time/freelance gigs.  Trying to keep an open mind.

Your friend,

Erinina

Image Source: http://media.photobucket.com/image/recent/Zwrench/God-Cat.jpg

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Upset City

I hate disappointment! I hate it! I hate failing, and being wrong, and messing up, and feeling left out, and having depression, and being sad, or hurt or angry! I hate when things don’t go my way!

I hate that I’ve spoiled myself into thinking I can have everything my way!

I hate that I need so much alone time and that I feel lonely when I finally get it and am ready to be in the world and everyone seems to have forgotten me! I hate feeling invisible. I hate feeling pressured or obligated. I hate being uncomfortable and bored and annoyed.

I hate feeling small, humble, beaten.

I hate the hustle and bustle. I hate the status quo.  And I hate even more feeling like I’m on the outside, looking in.  I hate the tedium, the rules, the schedule that everyone else is on daily, monthly, yearly that I never seem to match.

I hate the judgement. Yours, that ignorant person’s over there, and always, most terribly my own.

I hate that I’m sitting outside my coffee shop having a tantrum on my blog because I’m too proud, or not ready, or too hurt to do what I know I should. What would probably make it better.

I hate that here I am, having a meltdown, a breakdown, an upset, a disappointment (whatever you want to call it, self help guru geeks) on the way to success and I’m feeling guilty for not having turned it into a break through yet.

I hate that social networking isn’t as fulfilling as real networking because it feels like no one really networks in real life anymore.  And I hate that I know that I’m projecting that based on my own experiences. I hate the path to enlightenment.

Humph. And I think I’m done.  Maybe.

Thank you for listening to my whining. I’m gonna go have fun and find that break through now. Peace out.

http://www.meowcheese.com

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Holding on Loosely

Something I’ve been learning lately (as I get older, eek) is the balancing act of when to stick to your guns and when to hold on to something loosely.  This can be particularly challenging to a person like me that can get obsessively goal-oriented and also terrified of change in others.  Interestingly enough, I tend to instigate change in myself and my surroundings as often as I can manage it.  Perhaps this is why I unfairly want everyone else to be more grounded.

So holding on loosely has definitely become a mantra for me in relationships.  I have a tendency to obsessively panic over distances growing between old friends or about the ebbs and flows of my romantic relationships.  But when I look back, I’ve generally had the friends that I’ve needed when I needed them and some very, very special friends have flowed into and out of my life at different times.  The reality is that I’m not alone.  And distance from someone is rarely permanent, especially in this modern technological age.  The other reality is that worrying over my lovers tends to only create clingy weirdness and a tendency for them to run in panic.  Thus, holding on tightly to people seems to never bring the desired results.  Completely taking for granted and abandoning people doesn’t seem to work all that well either though.  Thus, holding on loosely.  This is a concept that I’ve been struggling to practice over the past year especially, and I’m glad to say that I’m getting better at it.  Though, I’m definitely nowhere near mastering it yet.

What I’ve realized in the past couple of weeks though is that goals are a lot like people.  I think I finally understand what people mean when they say ‘learn from your mistakes.’  See, I tend to think of that phrase in connection to big failures or changes in life decisions.  For instance, I chose to start a theater company and then realized that it wasn’t serving my or my partners’ artistic paths.  This was a big failure in my mind (though much of what we accomplished was quite successful).  There were lots of mistakes to learn from.  I got it and moved forward in a different path.  But its not just these kind of big changes that you’re supposed to learn from.  Arguably, its the little mistakes that you make on your journey towards goals that you should really pay more attention to.  And learning from them doesn’t usually seem to mean choosing an entirely new path.

For instance, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to post daily here, on my private blog and now on my fiction blog.  At the same time, I made a daily chanting and workout goal (and got some great workout videos to do for those days that I needed to workout at home for cost and time management purposes!).  This went great, by the way, until I realized that I needed to also have days where I went out and had fun and lived life in order to have a life to write about in the first place.  So, I took a day off.  Then I took two days off of my workout routine.  And now, I’m reassessing how to make sure that I can keep writing, managing my spiritual life, as well as continuing my journey as an aerialist.  Not to mention a social life!  God forbid!  Because I learned that it turns out that writing 4 hours a day makes you a stronger writer, a smarter blogger and a little too self-absorbed.  It also severely cuts into your training time on the trapeze.  So, this week I’m gonna try something new.  I’m not going to stop posting.  I’m gonna spend more time on my trapeze.  Unluckily, I’m also going to spend more nights working this week.  But I’m going to reassess and try to find a way to make it all work.

Maybe I’ll time my blogging.  Maybe I’ll get up a little earlier.  Maybe I’ll only blog outside of my apartment in order to feel more focused and less isolated.  Maybe I’ll try working out at a new studio a couple of days that’s closer to my apt.  Maybe someone will gift me wooden beam clamps and some gymnastic mats so that I can trapeze some of my time at home (friends definitely invited!).  The point is, I’ll try some new things this week.  And some of them will probably work, and some of them won’t.  But I’m holding on loosely to those goals, because I think like in relationships, that’s where the joy and success probably comes from.

Best I can tell, taken from:
http://www.polyvore.com/hanging_loose_rose_dibiasi_on/thing?id=9115348

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Self Help is Geeky

I don’t know about you, but I have a huge hang-up about self-help, addiction recovery, therapy, etc.  Some inner Viking drive says, “I don’t need help.  I am not weak.  Lame, pathetic people need those things.”

I also think, “if people know about my secret love of spiritual and mental growth, they’ll think I’m a big geek!”

Yeah, because playing clarinet in high school, loving sci-fi and fantasy, running away with the circus and constantly burying my nose in a book hasn’t already given it away.

But this has me thinking, what is it about our society that makes positive change and growth such a stigma?  If you decide to join a group to support you in your not drinking (because well, the rest of the world and media is pretty much your keep drinking support system), then you’re an alcoholic or an addict.  ‘Diets’ are for fat or anorexic people.  Practicing meditation, going to prayer meetings or chanting all has a go ahead and drink the grape kool-aid kind of feel.  Speaking of which, I attended this great seminar called the Landmark Forum, and was told by the internet and a bunch of people who’d never attended it that I was joining a cult.  Seeking happiness?  Well, aren’t you naive…resigned apathy is much, much cooler.

What’s up with that?  Is it a defensive mechanism to keep us from actually doing the work to change?  Is it the influence of pop culture trying to keep us miserable and buy-buy-buying?  Is it peer bashing to keep up the self esteem of the unmotivated?  I don’t know.

What I do know is if everyone told me not to love my cat so much, I’d tell them to ‘eff off.  She makes my life better.  So why do I sometimes get caught up in the stigma’s about behavior change and research that might make my life better?  Discuss.

http://www.icanhascheezburger.com

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Purely Stubborn

Over the last couple of days I’ve been pondering my levels of resistance to change.  On the surface I seem ready to pick up at an instant and move where the wind takes me, and this is probably quite accurate.  But on a more everyday level, I can be unbearably stubborn.  And like most stubborn people, this is often to my detriment.  I have a huge problem doing what people advise me to do.  I am very opinionated about certain things and it can take a typhoon to sway me, yes.  But the bigger problem is the little things.  I know I should wash my face and floss my teeth, hell even brush my teeth before bed.  But I’m tired.  I rebel.  I go to sleep with makeup on and pretend that it’s not that big of a deal, jeez.  But recently trying to actually wash that makeup off even with just a neutrogena cleansing pad has made all the difference in my acne breakouts.  Wouldn’t that have been nice years ago!  When will I start flossing?  When my teeth fall out?

Movies are another thing that bring out my resistance demons.  Despite being told something is amazing, that everyone who watches it thinks of me, I’ll absolutely love it, I just must see it this instant, and its coming up with a five star reccomendation on my Netflix queue, it will often take me a year to actually bite the bullet and see it.  Because even if I hate the movie, I’ll have to see how it ends and then if its awful I’ll have wasted two hours of my life.  But why?  If it sucks, why can’t I just gong it?  Why miss out on great recommendations?

I’m noticing this pattern in a lot of little ways like this in my life.  Why am I so resistant?  Why not try on every piece of advice at least once if its not going to kill me?  This practice could improve my life drastically.  I could feel beautiful (which is important to happiness), be healthier and enjoy new experiences more often.  Or at the very least maybe my teeth won’t fall out.

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