“Yes” to a Performing and Creating Family

Just before I left my new home in Austin to return to NYC for two weeks, I received a Facebook invite from a friend there, Stav Equality Meishar. Since I get around ten invitations a day on facebook, much of it not even remotely near where I live, or could feasibly attend, this was no big thing. In fact, I most likely wouldn’t have even noticed it if it hadn’t included a personal message that this event had made her think of me, specifically. Intrigued, I opened the event page at exactly 12:01pm on April 7th, 2013 to find that it was in fact a notice to audition for what looked like a Cirque troupe here in Austin. An audition that in fact had started just one minute before I opened the invite on that very day.

Image Credit: ashleeholmes.buzznet.com

“Too bad I missed it, looks kind of cool,” was my first thought. Then, “well, I don’t have plans today…but I also don’t have a way to get there, or anything prepared.” Again, “well it looked interesting, maybe in the future.” Then, I told a friend of a friend who was staying in our apartment about it as I fixed my coffee. And suddenly I had the offer of a ride, just like that.  Wait, what?  “No, I’m not going, it already started.  I don’t have anything prepared.”

And that’s when I realized that I was saying “no.” I didn’t need a perfected audition piece, I had dozens of sequences on my trapeze, stage presence, a love of improvising dances on my apparatus, and I could RSVP to the audition and see if they still had any spots open for me to come in. To which I received an almost immediate “yes” back. And suddenly I was committed. I was auditioning for a troupe. Which was fine, I could always try it and see if it was for me, I could always say “no” later, in other words.

Somewhere around the part where we improvised physical theater with each other, I had decided these might be my kind of people. Yes, I was that stubborn about it. It wasn’t until the day that the cast was to be announced and I was anxiously checking my email that I really owned that I wanted to be a part of this group. And it wasn’t until two weeks later, back in Austin and attending rehearsals, timidly trying to learn the awesome dance skills other people were bringing to the table that I started to understand my own resistance and why this opportunity was so special.

See, I hadn’t truly been a part of a group, a whole heart committed, 3-4+ days a week of rehearsals kind of group in five years. I’d dipped my toe into being a part of a circus group in NYC just before I left, but I’d never been able to participate much more than showing up for performances with my own act. I was overbooked, and that felt like all they needed from me anyways. That left my own theater group, which I’d disbanded exhausted, wanting more experience and more time to create my own work, five years prior. On my way to NYC, I learned that I was a core member of the troupe Crash Alchemy back in Austin TX and that we’d be putting on a show in just 5 weeks, on May 18th.

Okay, I didn’t really know what that meant, but I knew I would be dancing and acting and creating and trapezing. I wanted to be a part of building this group, of creating something together. I’d fallen into a family of people who somehow magically wanted to make the kind of things that I wanted to make. And it had all almost happened by accident.  Or maybe by sheer force of the Universe reminding me to say “yes” and stop being so stubborn all the time. It was okay to commit to this. I was more creative, making more art in my life, not less. And the people in the group were there for each other, talented and into the vision of working in multiple disciplines. I think somehow I’d believed that I couldn’t find another group I’d love as much as my hand selected theater group years before. And I’d believed that committing to a group again would stunt my own work again. At the same time, I kept craving and wondering why I couldn’t find community in NYC.  Well, no wonder when I’m this gun shy about commitment, huh.  Head. Trapeze Bar.

May 18th has come and gone with spectacle and love and just more and more amazing talent, community and group love and support.   I am learning what it means to be a part of the right creative family for me, ups and downs, exhaustion and success.  And I wholeheartedly love it and am honored to be a part of it.

Image Credit: Ed Lehmann

 

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Monies for Fires

Photo by Carlos Henriquez

If you haven’t seen my video debut of the fire trapeze last weekend.  You need to check it out here.

But here’s the thing…I’m like “this” close to getting my very own freelance performing and writing career launched.  “This” close, I tell ‘ya.  ;)

But I need your help!  Here’s why:

I invented a fire trapeze.  Why?  I had a dream about it in Peru and thought, how amazing? How death defying?  If Circus exists to give us hope, to make us marvel, to think: if that’s possible, anything is possible!  Then, I’m in.

And what is more awe inspiring than a girl on her trapeze, sharing her passion and talents, invoking laughter, provoking thought with movement, a girl that dances even as the ropes of her apparatus burn?

Oh, and she survives.

That’s a nice metaphor for our current world, no?

2 years of research and design, and it works!  People want me to perform.  They want me to tour.  They may even want me on TV.  And once completed, this act demands the kind of pay that I can live on.  The problem?  It is going to cost me at minimum another $5,000 to do it safely, properly and awesomely.  And that’s the minimum.  Defying death does not come cheap, apparently.

If you can donate even $1, please do so.  If you can share the link below, even better.  Let me make great art and dazzle the world with fire!  http://www.indiegogo.com/erinina?a=122333

Love and Peace,

Erinina

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Me? Just Building An Artistic Empire…

WARNING:  This post has lots of cool links…

I used to think that I needed to pick something and focus on it.  To pick one skill, one love, one talent and put everything I have into it with hopes of becoming the best.  I used to think that was success.  Being the best.

Fast forward past years of torturing myself over the knowledge that one can never really be ‘the best.’  And realizing that even in the unlikely event that you are say, Lady Gaga, a gold medal Olympian or what have you…that moment of best-ness is at best fleeting.  Man, no wonder I have depression.*

Lately, I’ve taken the “make small steps daily in all of your interests” approach to designing the life of my dreams.  I call it the Get Out of the Night Club Plan.  Every week I put real effort into each of 6 major projects.  And I have papers posted in my living room to document my progress.  Each week I do small things in each category, but real, productive and consistent things.  And I’m happy to say that its paying off!  Almost all of my projects are gaining in recognition and interest, some of them are even starting to pay a little.  I’m having fun because pay or no pay, I’ve decided that this is my work.  So I’m doing things I love for work.  I have a good feeling about this.

Last night, as I surveyed my progress over dinner, I realized that my output was starting to look like an artistic empire.  Something Kim Kardashian or Britney Spears would approve of.  After all, I have the beginnings of a jewelry line, an upcycled art line, a fire trapeze invention, a performance career, multiple blogs, an internet presence, a fiction project, and a few other surprises in the works.  “Damn girl,” I said to myself.  Indeed, why should the celebrities have all the fun?

I’m reading the $100 Start-Up by Chris Guillebeau and so far its like having someone tell me, “yes, yes, you’re doing it right!”  Kind of makes me wonder where I got that whole “you can only focus on one thing” limiting idea in the first place.  I mean, I’ve always been a multitasker.  In high school, I’m not even sure I knew what extracurricular activity I was supposed to be at and when.  Same with Sarah Lawrence.  These were also some of the happiest, most productive times in my life.  Seems I get a bit bored and cranky when I try to be too focused.  I need side projects to stay motivated across all platforms.

And the good news is that means that one or more of my projects is more likely to be a success.  Because I’m putting out there what I think people might want and what I’m passionate about…but I can’t actually know what people will be passionate about, so might as well put out more than less, right? As long as I’m still putting out in each area, of course.  And as long as someone can keep me organized.  I personally have a lovely friend who works a couple of hours a week as my assistant to keep my crazy mind on track.  And it’s totally worth it.  I also pay someone else to do my laundry, which costs the same as 2 dinners out/month.  Again, it’s totally worth it.  Because then I get to do more fun stuff, like make this:

Necktie Coffee Sleeve at
http://www.etsy.com/shop/Erinina7

 

*Just kidding, I know I have depression because my brain chemistry is all fucocked.  But I write this to clean up some of the messes my brain chemistry left all over my thoughts.

Oh, and here’s some cupfuls of kitten:

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Why Hello Madam Universe, I’m Listening

Dear Ms. Universe,

There have been times in my life where you’ve just smashed me over the head until I understood what you are trying to tell me.  Usually a whole host of ugly, bad things happen because I’m stubborn and trying to make something work that won’t.  I don’t mean an “I should keep trying and not give up” type of scenario.  I mean a “that’s nice that you think you’re stuck or have to do it this way, but hello, dummy it’s not working” kind of thing.  Usually just accepting that I’m on the wrong path opens up a whole host of opportunities, because you are a good Universe when we listen.  Like when I couldn’t go back to Greensboro College because of money.  I got nominated for an Irene Ryan award, traveled to Oxford School of Drama, seriously boosted my employment experience and then got to go to Sarah Lawrence College, which was really a perfect fit for me.  You really did know best, when I finally listened.

So now, I’m in a similar place.  My current night club job is no longer working for me.  The late hours, some negative energy, my exhaustion levels…not conducive to the launch of my amazing circus career!  Its getting harder and harder to train working the graveyard shift.  I want you to know, my friend, I hear you.  I am getting the message.  I think I should be awake at relatively the same time as the sun.  I mean, I’m not talking 7 am, let’s not get crazy people.  But, going to bed at 3-5am is getting way old as I get older.  And my body is feeling it.

At the same time, I need to make a certain income.  And I don’t want to take a step down to some $15/hour over-worked, sell out thing that I can’t be at all passionate about.  I know, I’m stubborn. But I’m also building a trapeze and writing career that are actually getting some attention and momentum and I need a certain level of fulfillment, flexibility and time to accomplish those things.  So what’s a girl on the cusp of hitting the tipping point towards her dreams to do in the meantime?  I’m genuinely confused. Do, dear Universe, enlighten me.

Well, what’s a personal growth blog like this for, but to ask advice?  So, here it is.  I’m looking for part time or freelance gigs in the following areas, or a job that can support me in those areas.  And I’m asking you dear blogosphere for your feedback, or connections, or maybe just a virtual hug. ;)

Projects I’m currently working on that are making various levels of progress:

-Upcycled art and curated jewelry design: (http://cirquecouture.storenvy.com/  or  http://www.etsy.com/shop/Erinina7)

-Fire Trapeze, Burlesque Trapeze, Theatrical Aerial, Performance Art Aerial, Silks: (www.erininamarieness.com)

-Writing and blogging: (here, quixoticfiction.wordpress.com, unabashedlyyou.wordpress.com and a private blog with some interestingly more edgy, underground NYC stuff too)

-SEO, Social Media, Etc: I have been learning a ton about this stuff, learning curve only to improve.  This has been like my homework and fun reading for the last few months.

-I love food, food politics, how nutrition affects different people different ways, and ways to move and workout to keep your body healthy

Jobs that I think would be a good fit:

-Teaching kids aerial, teaching all ages theater/performance workshops-also available on aerial.

-Performing my stuff, for now: static, dance trapeze, burlesque trapeze and silks.  Fire coming very, very soon.

-Writing for Ezines, publications, web content that falls into my areas of ability and interest (fantasy fiction, happiness/self-help/inspiration articles, reviews of theater, food or events, underground NYC tales, travel)

-A part time, positive environment, afternoon office job where I can write as long as my work is done, & no customers are there.

-Travel gig.  Writing about travel, small trips or big.  Reviewing places, etc.  Not looking for 24/7 on a plane like a flight attendant.  ;)

-Places where I can learn/practice skills I love as an additional benefit to the qualifications I bring to my job (rowing, sailing, circus, fitness, physical theatre, burlesque, art making)

-Part time, flexible, good pay.  Sorry, I’m 32 and do have a lot of skills, and a lot of bills…not looking for internships or entry-level stuff.

-A book advance on one of my various projects (no idea how that works, do you?).

-I also have a very small amount of money that I would invest in the right Start-up.  Small amount and right Start-up are the key words here.

Experience I bring to the table:

-Management (of people and spaces)

-Theater Direction/Coaching

-Aerial/Circus

-Burlesque/Go Go Dance

-Writing

-Teaching

-Social networking, Promotion

-Bartending

-Performance

-Customer Service

-Producing

So, there you go Universe…I’m putting it out there.  I need a new part time gig.  Probably an interesting combination of part time/freelance gigs.  Trying to keep an open mind.

Your friend,

Erinina

Image Source: http://media.photobucket.com/image/recent/Zwrench/God-Cat.jpg

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Weekly Photo Challenge: Summer

Summer means putting up the trapeze and playing.  Sharing my love with friends and family wherever I may go.  Because summer also means travel to me, new beginnings, a wandering heart and adventure.

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Accomplishment

Its amazing what baby steps can accomplish.  2 years.  Times of giving up, feeling pretty apathetic.  So many battles to find the right materials, rehearsal space, manufacturers, equipment.  2 years.  And I made this.

Photo Credit: http://www.rachaelshane.com/

 

It’s real fire.  Its really me, on my very own invention.  It’s a dream realized.  And the funny thing is, after accomplishing it, it all seems so easy.  Because now I know how to do it.  But it wasn’t easy (really, its still not easy), and it wouldn’t even exist without some pretty amazing people who believed in me, my idea and pushed and picked me up when I was feeling defeated.  People who’s knowledge is also going to keep this project from killing me.  ;)

Big thanks to Darrell O’pry and Miguel Caceres, Circus Warehouse and The Muse for all of your expertise and support.  And big apologies if you follow me everywhere and have seen this announcement and photo plastered on Facebook and Twitter.  I’m like a teenager in first love.  I want to shout it on top of mountains.  :)

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Honoring My Work

I can’t believe it.  Seriously, I just blew my own mind.  I am so self-critical and judgemental that I actually get mad at myself for ‘wasting so much time’ working each day.  That’s right, some little voice in my head is yelling at me for taking the time everyday to write, learn, promote and generally keep up with the businesses that I am working on.

In all fairness, I think this voice is screaming at me because it wants to be flying, and conditioning at home (no matter how awesome my body looks) isn’t meeting its needs.  But, if you could hear this voice, you’d think I was just watching TV and drinking mimosas all day.  Not that that’s never happened mind you.  In point of fact, I think that this voice comes from periods in my life when I do little more than watch my Netflix queue, shift from guzzling coffee to wine around 5 and troll Facebook ‘liking’ people’s posts in a lonely attempt to feel connected.  Because that’s what I do when I get depressed.  And depression is a thing for me.  A battle that I’m so glad I have Zoloft to help me fight now.  Zoloft and this blog.  Because sharing my strategies in this battle might hopefully help someone else to win the war too.

So then, this voice is a throw back.  An unheeded warning cry if you will.  Screaming into my psyche that spending too much time on my computer, alone in my apartment, in my comfy bed, means I’m not fulfilling my goals.  But this is kind of the great thing!  I’m not depressed.  I’m actively trying to reach my goals.  I’m showing up to the page each day to write.  I’m researching marketing and internet concepts.  I’m trying things out, failing, and keeping at it.  I’m learning how to create, run and manage my online store.  I’m consolidating my ‘brands.’  I’m working.  And I happen to enjoy the fact that I can do this from my bed before I even put clothes on!  How great is that!  I love it!  I enjoy it so much that the first thing I do in the morning (after pouring coffee) is check out my internet presence to make a plan for the day.  I’m not mindlessly trolling through Facebook like an outsider.  I’m checking up on my community, looking for role models, just writing.  How cool!

But as Lisa Neumann says, that screaming voice (whining teenager, inner critic, child, pessimist, whichever one it is) needs to be heard.  I suspect that its distinctly possible that it is screaming because in past moments of depression it went unheard.  But it is also possible that my body is crying out for my passion, my trapeze.  Because writing and working takes time out of training.  And I’ve had to work more hours at the bar lately, so its hard to find the time to commute to the gym.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m training my butt off at home with some pretty awesome tools, but I don’t yet have my trapeze up, so I miss being in the air 5 days a week.  And I deeply miss my aerial family.  I need to listen to this voice a little bit, reassure it, come up with a plan.  Maybe I really should consider going out of my apartment sometimes to work, or setting ‘official work hours.’  And I do have a super stellar practice scheduled for Wednesday on my fire apparatus!   But I think that I also need to find the voice inside me that honors my very real work.  My cheerleader voice.

 

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Circus Togetherness-Weekly Photo Challenge

Together-Weekly Photo Challenge

To me, this photo shot at a strip mall in North Carolina of all places, while I was on tour with Piccadilly Circus and the Espanas, represents this week’s The Daily Post weekly photo theme of ‘together.’  No circus performer can make it without working together.  We are sometimes literally the legs each other stands on.

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Self Help is Geeky

I don’t know about you, but I have a huge hang-up about self-help, addiction recovery, therapy, etc.  Some inner Viking drive says, “I don’t need help.  I am not weak.  Lame, pathetic people need those things.”

I also think, “if people know about my secret love of spiritual and mental growth, they’ll think I’m a big geek!”

Yeah, because playing clarinet in high school, loving sci-fi and fantasy, running away with the circus and constantly burying my nose in a book hasn’t already given it away.

But this has me thinking, what is it about our society that makes positive change and growth such a stigma?  If you decide to join a group to support you in your not drinking (because well, the rest of the world and media is pretty much your keep drinking support system), then you’re an alcoholic or an addict.  ‘Diets’ are for fat or anorexic people.  Practicing meditation, going to prayer meetings or chanting all has a go ahead and drink the grape kool-aid kind of feel.  Speaking of which, I attended this great seminar called the Landmark Forum, and was told by the internet and a bunch of people who’d never attended it that I was joining a cult.  Seeking happiness?  Well, aren’t you naive…resigned apathy is much, much cooler.

What’s up with that?  Is it a defensive mechanism to keep us from actually doing the work to change?  Is it the influence of pop culture trying to keep us miserable and buy-buy-buying?  Is it peer bashing to keep up the self esteem of the unmotivated?  I don’t know.

What I do know is if everyone told me not to love my cat so much, I’d tell them to ‘eff off.  She makes my life better.  So why do I sometimes get caught up in the stigma’s about behavior change and research that might make my life better?  Discuss.

http://www.icanhascheezburger.com

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Chincha

I am writing now from the crisp fall mountain air of Cuzco.  It is 11,200 feet where we are according to one of my fellow circus folk.  I´m not sure if that´s exactly right or not, especially since the next statement out of their mouth was that is either twice or four times the height of Denver, our own mile-high city.  Not exactly scientific, but this is what happens when people are not connected to the magic Blackberry-Iphone boxes at their hip to fact check their conversations as if we were writing term papers.  This is how legends are born.  And maybe I´d rather live in the legend…afterall it doesn´t really matter to me whether I´m twice or four times as high as Denver.  It matters to me that there is a rationale for why I start panting mid conversation because I can´t get enough oxygen.

The cool air was a welcome respite though from the 20 hour bus ride from Chincha.  15 hours of that time is on tight cross-winding mountain roads which make one feel exactly as if they are lost at sea in a dinghy riding out a tumultuous storm mid-ocean.  Our first clue should have come when they handed out plastic barf bags immediately after dinner.  Nice really, that they give you something to fill your stomach, so you´ll have something to expel later.   Unfortunately, I was sitting behind (though luckily across the aisle from) a 72-year-old man who was quite ill and having diarrhea every hour or so in his seat.  His daughter had to change him something like 14 times and at one point, his pee actually showered down through the seat crack onto my friends Calypso and Tom´s feet!  Yikes.  This and the inevitable barfing made the trip a bit of a challenge. 

Despite this, I feel we survived our first long bus trip together with dignity, peace, grace and a surprising amount of positivity.  I mean we weren´t singing in the aisles or anything, but at about hour seventeen, there was the most beautiful sunrise at the top of our mountain and it was literally like we were sitting in the clouds watching it.

Today we moved to a shared house again after having a little bit of a break in hostels with less roommates.  Our house is at the top of a ridge of Cuzco in a neighborhood called Tambillo.  Our portion is smaller, quaint is the euphemism.  But despite being four to a room, people crashing in the living room and my room being quite damp and mildewing and needing airing everyday, the space that we are staying is gorgeous.  There is a large garden between our quarters and the main house and we are literally across the street from the Incan Templo de la Luna (Temple of the Moon).   This is a beautiful rock formation with an Incan trail leading down to Cuzco proper and hills and mountains behind that lead to smaller, newly discovered ruins.  The house is also home to local ceremonies with the San Pedro cactus, which are an ancient form of native healing for everything from emotional, to psychological, to physical ailments.  The best part of our space is having our own kitchen!  I was nervous about doing group meals, but I´ve cooked a fair amount of them myself and we have some pretty good chef talent in our group it turns out, so food has been a happy thing here.   This is a nice respite after so many of us got sick in Chincha adjusting to bugs in the water or food.

Speaking of Chincha, I´d like to record a few things of that experience.  We were fortunate enough to have the perfect culmination of a slightly difficult three weeks there.  Much of our time there was crowded, dusty,  filled with daily rehearsals (and their attending frustrations and conflicts of course) outside in the dirt and heat, workshops with Mayten´s amazing kids worked into the schedule and some pretty intensely emotional shelter experiences.

Don´t get me wrong, it was also a time for caring for each other (I had to have a doctor called to the house to give me antibiotic shots in my buttocks two days in a row…he didn´t charge me a centavo.)  It was also a time for us to share some of our personal tragedies and victimizations with the girls at the shelters that had been assaulted and raped.  As trying and emotionally draining as this was for me personally, there was suddenly a beautiful strength that connected us as women (and supportive men) across cultures…sharing our pain, but also our examples of hope for healing. 

We actually finished our show and performed it three times before leaving.  Our first performance was for the neighborhood of Mina de Oro where we were staying, and for Mayten´s kids with whom playing with became such a beautiful part of our everyday and every evening lives.  We performed in the restored soccer field in the neighborhood where we´d been rehearsing everyday surrounded still by the ruins of the ´07 quake.  It was amazing to hear our small friends and Mayten screaming out our names as we came out for each scene. 

Our second show was the next day at Camino de Soledad, the shelter where the above sharing occurred.  The 40 or so young girls here are mothers because of incest and abuse.  We sat and shared and talked to each other, pealing off our western layers to reveal our own imperfections, pains and fears.  Then we put on our makeup and our costumes and our joy and shared so fully the light that still exists within for our new friends.  Then we lit our torches and our staffs, our fans and our fire-fingers and danced first with fire and then without into the night with girls that are sometimes still afraid of the dark.  We shook their shelter with laughter and love.  It will remain one of my favorite experiences here in Peru.

Our third show happened after a day off spent saying goodbye to the beach and resting.  It was at a larger shelter where we didn´t have much of a chance to connect with the girls and perhaps because I was feeling run down and a little sick that day, felt a little flat and empty and difficult for that reason.  It is sometimes difficult for me to remember that even if we´re just connecting for a small amount of time, the results of that connection for myself and the ones that I´m connecting with  may not be apparent immediately and not to be so attached to the results, just to share the experience.  A relatively tough preteen girl did come in and paint my face in makeup while I was resting that day.   While other kids were getting their faces painted, she chose to come in and do mine. 

There are reasons to be glad to leave Chincha, Cuzco is beautiful with the prospect of less illness, but there is an incredible amount to miss as well.  I will always remember Mayten singing to me through her bronchitis when I was laying ill on a mat in her front room and the special conversation that we had that day after holding each others´ hands through our rounds of shots.  I miss Paloma terribly and wish her all the bueno suerte she can have.  The heat and the beaches, the taste of fried chicken and ice cream from the street once I´d taken enough Cipro to start eating again.  These things remind me of Chincha.

And now a month in and a month to go in Peru, my place in things comes clearer, as do my plans for after the tour.  I continue to work on living simple, giving to the group, giving to the communities here.  I have become a fire spinner, playing with the staff, fans, fingers and choreographing a few pieces with friends for the show.  I do a short dance and then aerial piece in the show on a pipe suspended between two peoples´ shoulders.  As Ryan says, ¨a daring three feet off the ground, with no safety net, the amazing E-Nina.¨ But it is kind of cool.  A sampling of aerial.   And I am formulating a plan.  I don´t want to live full-time in NYC any longer.  3 months at a time, working during busy season and subletting out my apt the rest of the time seems reasonable, doable and preferable as a lifestyle for a while.  I´d like to travel and train and perform both for festivals and more established venues, but also for people who don´t get as much opportunity to see theater and art.  I´d like to work more with children somehow.  I´m not sure how it will all take shape, but I can sense that it’s coming together and I´m excited to be a vagabond for a little while (finally).

For right now, I am loving living in the clouds of Cuzco at the top of a mountain.  I love that when I walk out my door, there are still traditional women and children herding their sheep through the fields in full traditional dress and in a fully traditional manner.  That unlike their sisters dressed and posing for tips in the city below, they are simply living their lives, taking little notice of me as I walk past.  I look forward to more fully exploring the ruins surrounding our casita.

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