Tis the season for self reflection, goal setting, and let’s admit it, jealousy and competition. Whether we are talking about sibling rivalry flaring up at holiday functions, competition for bonuses at work, wondering why we didn’t get invited to that holiday party, or are our own worst enemy in the goal-setting and self-reflection department; the green-eyed monster is as evergreen as that needle-shedding star holder we put up each year.
I like to think that my experiences in open relationships prepared me to foresee and handle my envy in a healthy and constructive manner. But the truth is, I can suddenly find myself seething with the angry-hating-blaming-scathing-gossiping-fearful bullshit as much as anyone. And being currently devoid of lovers, or even wanting to enter into monogamy (gasp) doesn’t give me a free pass. Instead, as we approach the end of the year, I find my jealousies bubbling up around my art instead. Do you want the bare-naked, ugly truth of what’s been happening in my head? Ready or not, here it is:
Why is this or that person more successful than I am? Why haven’t I won any awards lately? (Besides the fact that I haven’t entered any competitions??)
Why is it so much easier for that person to master that move that I’ve been struggling with for years? (Have you actually been focusing all of your energy on that move?)
Why is that person thinner than me, when I work out so much? (Because they are them, and they are you. A little self acceptance please!)
Why is it so hard for me to commit to a weekly writing schedule? Or finish the freaking book I’ve been working on for a decade? And why is that person who can’t even spell properly getting published? (Let’s look a little more honestly at your time commitments, shall we?)
Why was that person offered that job/gig that was half-promised to me, or that I feel like I suggested/inspired? (Uh, did you even really want that job? Was it really promised to you? Did you really deserve it?)
If only I had regular access to a studio (and/or a car), I could polish and choreograph the ideas that I have more easily. I’d have more time, more energy, be able to make more money. IT’S NOT FAIR! (If it’s not working, you’ll need to figure out a new solution. Time to start saving for a car…)
And even, yes, why is dating suddenly such a barren, non-existent thing in my life? What’s wrong with me? At least I used to just have trouble keeping a partner, now I can’t even get a date? (Do you even want to date? Do you have time?)
For me, the end of the year is about looking back at what I’ve learned and forward to what needs to happen next. This inevitably involves some self comparisons to people that have accomplished more, less, or specifically what I wish I had, in the past year. I spent a glorious evening last week wallowing in my envy and self-pity. It felt good like hot dogs and macaroni and cheese feel good. Like a comforting, unhealthy indulgence. And then the defeated, depressed hangover kicks in. And luckily, my experiences confronting jealousy on the dating playing field, and a little kick in the ass from my best friend who got sick of listening to my whining, came in helpful after all.
The realizations that I came up with in delving into my artistic career path insecurities is remarkably identical to what I’ve encountered before in romantic situations. Jealousy seems to come from 3 emotional sources: Fear, Envy, or Defeat. Which, looking deeper, means it signals 1 or more of 3 things: That you care about something or someone deeply; that you aren’t on the right path to get, or are not being clear about whatever it is that you want; or that something about your current tactics/habits isn’t working.
For my artistic journey, identifying what of these factors is triggering each jealousy has cleared the way to better planning, scheduling, and goal setting overall. First, that while I think that I want certain jobs/gigs, they may actually not be right for me, and even be a hinderance on my overall broader goals. What I’m really wanting is the acceptance of my peers when being considered for a job. For instance, right now I have exactly the right balance of teaching and creating that I need. What I need is a little more time to work on my personal projects, without abandoning the work that I do with my troupe. It would also seem that I want an artistic partner-the right artistic partner-someone who inspires me to work harder and who I can communicate well with, and who commits to meeting and working with me at an equal level. Without examining what exact aspects of being passed over for certain jobs was making me jealous, I wouldn’t have been able to come up with clearer goals and needs moving forward. Nor would I be able to realize that I don’t even want some of the jobs I’m jealous of, in order to focus on working harder to get the ones that I do want.
Next, I needed to realize that if I’ve been working on something for a long time and its not coming together, then something in my approach obviously needs to change. Perhaps I need to be honest with myself about how much effort and commitment I’m actually putting towards what goals and re-prioritize. Maybe I need to be a little gentler with myself in the realm of how much one person can realistically accomplish in what amount of time. Or you know, I could ask some experts for help and guidance. Probably all of the above wouldn’t hurt. Without examining this area, I wouldn’t have been able to come up with a new game plan and I wouldn’t have the excitement and fresh inspiration of the new challenge that I’m taking on for 2014 (I know, you can barely wait to hear more, right?). I’d still be defeated and self-pitying, eating mac and cheese with my cat.
Finally, I may need a certain amount of patience. Like when I sit wondering why I haven’t been asked on a date for a whopping two months (seriously, that seems so long!), I have to admit that I didn’t want to be. I hate the institution of dating. I like meeting people naturally, being friends, hanging out, getting to know each other. But, I’m working on my art right now, which involves more alone time, physical work and exhaustion, and self reflection than hanging out drinking and socializing. And I’m loving the friendships that I’m building that are about training and creating more anyways. So, “yes” Envy, thanks for coming over to visit and all, but you can take your leave now. I need to get back to work.
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