A Poem, Depression and Growth.

The goodbye note read thus,
“Everything I touch turns to ash.
The taste of me grows rancid in your mouth.
And mine.”

The darkness returned to reign.
Old fantasies of razors slicing into thin, delicate, spiderweb veins,
blurred with reality.

Others’ hatred mirrored my own, more profound dis-ease.
One man’s cruel words and one man’s unconditional love danced a waltz around my melting mind and will.

Perhaps the rancid me I taste, is not me.
Identities and hiding places are painfully shed.
They do not go easily into that goodnight.
I do not go easily into that bright light.

It burns, scars, pushes back, spits on me.
Life asks, “is this what you really want?”

Sometimes I say yes, sometimes scream no.
But stumble forward.
Feinting with my useless words, my actions answer for me.

“Yes.”

And every once in awhile, I remember that my vulnerability is my strength.

Image Credit: http://flatrock.org.nz/fancybox/549/

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The Ideal List

I hate the sound of a Bucket List. I mean, all the things I want to do won’t ever fit into a bucket! Hello! ;)

But I figure I’ve always had them. Might as well post one here. The thing is that a couple of years ago, I really made peace with my life. I decided that If I kicked off tomorrow, I’ve done the bare minimum for me. That’s probably very different for you, but I’ve done some cool shit, I’ve learned a lot and I’m okay if I get another go at it, or if I don’t.

Some friends construed this as Depression rearing its ugly head. Others as Enlightenment. Funny, right? The point is, I was content with what I’ve done thus far. I wondered if ambition would kiss my cursed head again. But as my Aunt Nancy said, “You always do it big Erin, no matter what it is.” I’m pretty sure that was a compliment. Like a big one. I’m also pretty sure ambition is equally a blessing and a curse.

Point of the story is that I decided in January that I’m officially done working for anyone else. Whatever it takes. That’s right, them be fighting words. Strong ones, and lo and behold, my good frenemy Ambition pledged alliance to my cause.

So, while very career-oriented at the moment, I seem not to be either quite dead, or quite ready to don Buddha’s robes. So, I’m starting an Ideal list. Like, I said, if death comes right now, I’m pretty good. But if it doesn’t, it would be pretty cool to do these things:

-Become famous as the inventor/peformer of my fire trapeze.
-Stop sex slavery.
-Help people to be empowered.
-Not worry about money. Live and give freely.
-Live on a boat and travel the world without feeling trapped.
-Buy land for my friend Mayten’s projects in Peru.
-Get the perfume True Love by Elizabeth Arden re-released with my name.
-Publish Superhero Dreams. And be happy with it.
-Publish a secret memoir. Have stories for a secret memoir. ;)
-Upcycle more art than garbage I toss.
-Actually learn organization and money management. Or be able to hire people good at that.
-Spend my life loved and loving with partners and a community.
-Leave the world better.

To be continued…

http://rulingcatsanddogs.com

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Me? Just Building An Artistic Empire…

WARNING:  This post has lots of cool links…

I used to think that I needed to pick something and focus on it.  To pick one skill, one love, one talent and put everything I have into it with hopes of becoming the best.  I used to think that was success.  Being the best.

Fast forward past years of torturing myself over the knowledge that one can never really be ‘the best.’  And realizing that even in the unlikely event that you are say, Lady Gaga, a gold medal Olympian or what have you…that moment of best-ness is at best fleeting.  Man, no wonder I have depression.*

Lately, I’ve taken the “make small steps daily in all of your interests” approach to designing the life of my dreams.  I call it the Get Out of the Night Club Plan.  Every week I put real effort into each of 6 major projects.  And I have papers posted in my living room to document my progress.  Each week I do small things in each category, but real, productive and consistent things.  And I’m happy to say that its paying off!  Almost all of my projects are gaining in recognition and interest, some of them are even starting to pay a little.  I’m having fun because pay or no pay, I’ve decided that this is my work.  So I’m doing things I love for work.  I have a good feeling about this.

Last night, as I surveyed my progress over dinner, I realized that my output was starting to look like an artistic empire.  Something Kim Kardashian or Britney Spears would approve of.  After all, I have the beginnings of a jewelry line, an upcycled art line, a fire trapeze invention, a performance career, multiple blogs, an internet presence, a fiction project, and a few other surprises in the works.  “Damn girl,” I said to myself.  Indeed, why should the celebrities have all the fun?

I’m reading the $100 Start-Up by Chris Guillebeau and so far its like having someone tell me, “yes, yes, you’re doing it right!”  Kind of makes me wonder where I got that whole “you can only focus on one thing” limiting idea in the first place.  I mean, I’ve always been a multitasker.  In high school, I’m not even sure I knew what extracurricular activity I was supposed to be at and when.  Same with Sarah Lawrence.  These were also some of the happiest, most productive times in my life.  Seems I get a bit bored and cranky when I try to be too focused.  I need side projects to stay motivated across all platforms.

And the good news is that means that one or more of my projects is more likely to be a success.  Because I’m putting out there what I think people might want and what I’m passionate about…but I can’t actually know what people will be passionate about, so might as well put out more than less, right? As long as I’m still putting out in each area, of course.  And as long as someone can keep me organized.  I personally have a lovely friend who works a couple of hours a week as my assistant to keep my crazy mind on track.  And it’s totally worth it.  I also pay someone else to do my laundry, which costs the same as 2 dinners out/month.  Again, it’s totally worth it.  Because then I get to do more fun stuff, like make this:

Necktie Coffee Sleeve at
http://www.etsy.com/shop/Erinina7

 

*Just kidding, I know I have depression because my brain chemistry is all fucocked.  But I write this to clean up some of the messes my brain chemistry left all over my thoughts.

Oh, and here’s some cupfuls of kitten:

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Upset City

I hate disappointment! I hate it! I hate failing, and being wrong, and messing up, and feeling left out, and having depression, and being sad, or hurt or angry! I hate when things don’t go my way!

I hate that I’ve spoiled myself into thinking I can have everything my way!

I hate that I need so much alone time and that I feel lonely when I finally get it and am ready to be in the world and everyone seems to have forgotten me! I hate feeling invisible. I hate feeling pressured or obligated. I hate being uncomfortable and bored and annoyed.

I hate feeling small, humble, beaten.

I hate the hustle and bustle. I hate the status quo.  And I hate even more feeling like I’m on the outside, looking in.  I hate the tedium, the rules, the schedule that everyone else is on daily, monthly, yearly that I never seem to match.

I hate the judgement. Yours, that ignorant person’s over there, and always, most terribly my own.

I hate that I’m sitting outside my coffee shop having a tantrum on my blog because I’m too proud, or not ready, or too hurt to do what I know I should. What would probably make it better.

I hate that here I am, having a meltdown, a breakdown, an upset, a disappointment (whatever you want to call it, self help guru geeks) on the way to success and I’m feeling guilty for not having turned it into a break through yet.

I hate that social networking isn’t as fulfilling as real networking because it feels like no one really networks in real life anymore.  And I hate that I know that I’m projecting that based on my own experiences. I hate the path to enlightenment.

Humph. And I think I’m done.  Maybe.

Thank you for listening to my whining. I’m gonna go have fun and find that break through now. Peace out.

http://www.meowcheese.com

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Self Love?

Tonight’s SMART topic was Unconditional Self Acceptance.  I have to be honest, when I heard what the topic was, I considered leaving the meeting.  After all, I think I have a pretty high self esteem…definitely a lot of self importance going on up in my head.  In fact, I’m probably borderline Narcissistic.  Well, turns out I’m not the only one.  I mean, who isn’t Narcissistic, right?  Buddha?  It also turns out that self esteem isn’t the same as self acceptance and that a high sense of self importance can be equally rewarding or detrimental.  I mean if you’re super important, you have to be super critical of yourself because everything you do and what everyone around you thinks super matters.  In fact, feeling not important may not be the bad thing it sounds like.  But feeling bad or wrong is. Confused yet?  I am.

So, it turns out for all my self-centeredness (or self awareness if we want to put a positive spin on things), I don’t actually love myself much.  This fact keeps seeming to pop up at me as I search for betterment.  I think I’ve done amazing things, I think I’ve done a lot of good things, I think I’m good at a lot of amazing things.  But I don’t really accept me, much less love me.  I do all of those things so that people will love me.  So that I will be love-able.  Its actually hard to admit.  Embarrassing.  Scary.  Because I can feel you judging me as a bad person as I write this, because I can hear myself telling me that I’m a bad person because of this.  What a crazy story, right?

So, how does one develop self love?  Or maybe more specifically, self acceptance?  The answer is, I’m really not sure.  I can love my actions and the results of my positive actions all day long.  But the problem with that is that I have to judge myself just as harshly then for my not so positive choices and actions.  But if I’m not judging myself on my choices and actions, then what is it that makes me me?  And thus, the me that I should accept or love?  Totally flummuxed.  No idea.  Would love you wiser folks’ wisdom right about now.  Because I definitely don’t get it.

But until that wisdom starts pouring in, or until that aha breakthrough happens, what comes back to me are memories of my two first catastrophic heartbreaks.  In both instances, I turned heavily to my Dad for comfort and answers, and the bolstering of my sense of worth and self.  After the second one, I remember talking to him on the phone from my dorm room and asking how I was ever supposed to get over it?  If I’d ever be happy again?  He told me to open a journal and to make a list of 100 things that I liked about myself.  That it would help.  I totally didn’t believe him, but I totally trusted him.  So I did it.  It took days if not weeks to get to 100 and I probably doubled up a few times.  But it did help.  Not immediately, but looking back now, I can see that a lot of my current confidence probably stems from taking the time to make that list.  Which seemed to help me to learn a couple of lessons about what kind of person I wanted to date as well.

Well, the folks in the meeting suggested something similar.  They suggested just taking the time everyday to look in the mirror and tell myself that I accept and love myself just as I currently am.  They said it doesn’t feel much like anything’s happening right away, but that over time, it helps.  So, I think I’m going to try it.  I’m going to revisit my list and concentrate on the things that are just who I am and not my behaviors.  And I’m just going to try telling myself that I love me, everyday.  Hopefully, that won’t spiral me into any crazy form of full on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but I’ll keep the therapist on speed dial just in case.

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Shining Light

Today’s focus is on being a beacon of joy.  Often those of us afflicted with Depression find it easier to believe that those cheerful souls around us are just happier, or naturally inclined to be cheerful and perky.  This is more often than not probably not the case.  It takes energy to be positive, and more energy to be positive in the face of negativity.  And being positive makes other people happier.  Now I don’t mean to imply that one should be fake.  But perhaps a general rule is this: if someone isn’t physically injuring you, its ok to smile and walk away rather than get sucked in.  If they’re beating you, fight or flight baby.  If the person is not someone that you can avoid and is a chronic energy drain, then perhaps saying something like “I really value you in my life, but it hurts me when we hang out for these reasons.  I want you to be happy, what can we do to improve our relationship?”  It might surprise you to find out that you hurt them too and could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.  Other than these extremes, there’s no reason not to cut people some slack.  Smile.  Be friendly.  Listen.  Hug.  Give the attention you wish you were getting instead of taking energy you think you need.

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A New Theme

Alright, so after some difficult personal battles last September to now, I’ve been working on my own happiness. Not selfishly, but in order to be a better person in life for those around me. Having major depression sucks for me. A lot. But it sucks a lot for the people who stick around and love me anyways too.

So, armed with zoloft to make the daily battle for balance more attainable, I’m now working on conquering the way that I think, the way that I act and my environment to make my life happier, so that I can be joy for others as well.

They say that one of the ways to learn something is to share something and to do it everyday. So I’ve been toying with doing a lesson/mantra/happy thought a day email with friends and family. A reminder for myself to walk the walk as well. But I don’t want to burden those that don’t want a daily post from me. So since I seem to only write here when traveling, I’m gong to use all the other days for happy thoughts and you can choose to follow or not. After this post, they will be brief like the following:

I, like everyone, am on a path to something, someday. Often I am so focused on the goal that it seems unattainable and I give it up as lost. But we forget goals are reached by baby steps. Maybe today I can’t clean the whole house, but maybe I can just sweep today and tomorrow I can mop. And in a week, the house will be clean. My to do list is too long, but what if I just eliminated the most pressing, the most fun and the easiest task everyday? That’s three things done a day.

One thing at a time is ok.

http://www.lovemeow.com

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