“Yes” to a Performing and Creating Family

Just before I left my new home in Austin to return to NYC for two weeks, I received a Facebook invite from a friend there, Stav Equality Meishar. Since I get around ten invitations a day on facebook, much of it not even remotely near where I live, or could feasibly attend, this was no big thing. In fact, I most likely wouldn’t have even noticed it if it hadn’t included a personal message that this event had made her think of me, specifically. Intrigued, I opened the event page at exactly 12:01pm on April 7th, 2013 to find that it was in fact a notice to audition for what looked like a Cirque troupe here in Austin. An audition that in fact had started just one minute before I opened the invite on that very day.

Image Credit: ashleeholmes.buzznet.com

“Too bad I missed it, looks kind of cool,” was my first thought. Then, “well, I don’t have plans today…but I also don’t have a way to get there, or anything prepared.” Again, “well it looked interesting, maybe in the future.” Then, I told a friend of a friend who was staying in our apartment about it as I fixed my coffee. And suddenly I had the offer of a ride, just like that.  Wait, what?  “No, I’m not going, it already started.  I don’t have anything prepared.”

And that’s when I realized that I was saying “no.” I didn’t need a perfected audition piece, I had dozens of sequences on my trapeze, stage presence, a love of improvising dances on my apparatus, and I could RSVP to the audition and see if they still had any spots open for me to come in. To which I received an almost immediate “yes” back. And suddenly I was committed. I was auditioning for a troupe. Which was fine, I could always try it and see if it was for me, I could always say “no” later, in other words.

Somewhere around the part where we improvised physical theater with each other, I had decided these might be my kind of people. Yes, I was that stubborn about it. It wasn’t until the day that the cast was to be announced and I was anxiously checking my email that I really owned that I wanted to be a part of this group. And it wasn’t until two weeks later, back in Austin and attending rehearsals, timidly trying to learn the awesome dance skills other people were bringing to the table that I started to understand my own resistance and why this opportunity was so special.

See, I hadn’t truly been a part of a group, a whole heart committed, 3-4+ days a week of rehearsals kind of group in five years. I’d dipped my toe into being a part of a circus group in NYC just before I left, but I’d never been able to participate much more than showing up for performances with my own act. I was overbooked, and that felt like all they needed from me anyways. That left my own theater group, which I’d disbanded exhausted, wanting more experience and more time to create my own work, five years prior. On my way to NYC, I learned that I was a core member of the troupe Crash Alchemy back in Austin TX and that we’d be putting on a show in just 5 weeks, on May 18th.

Okay, I didn’t really know what that meant, but I knew I would be dancing and acting and creating and trapezing. I wanted to be a part of building this group, of creating something together. I’d fallen into a family of people who somehow magically wanted to make the kind of things that I wanted to make. And it had all almost happened by accident.  Or maybe by sheer force of the Universe reminding me to say “yes” and stop being so stubborn all the time. It was okay to commit to this. I was more creative, making more art in my life, not less. And the people in the group were there for each other, talented and into the vision of working in multiple disciplines. I think somehow I’d believed that I couldn’t find another group I’d love as much as my hand selected theater group years before. And I’d believed that committing to a group again would stunt my own work again. At the same time, I kept craving and wondering why I couldn’t find community in NYC.  Well, no wonder when I’m this gun shy about commitment, huh.  Head. Trapeze Bar.

May 18th has come and gone with spectacle and love and just more and more amazing talent, community and group love and support.   I am learning what it means to be a part of the right creative family for me, ups and downs, exhaustion and success.  And I wholeheartedly love it and am honored to be a part of it.

Image Credit: Ed Lehmann

 

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Upset City

I hate disappointment! I hate it! I hate failing, and being wrong, and messing up, and feeling left out, and having depression, and being sad, or hurt or angry! I hate when things don’t go my way!

I hate that I’ve spoiled myself into thinking I can have everything my way!

I hate that I need so much alone time and that I feel lonely when I finally get it and am ready to be in the world and everyone seems to have forgotten me! I hate feeling invisible. I hate feeling pressured or obligated. I hate being uncomfortable and bored and annoyed.

I hate feeling small, humble, beaten.

I hate the hustle and bustle. I hate the status quo.  And I hate even more feeling like I’m on the outside, looking in.  I hate the tedium, the rules, the schedule that everyone else is on daily, monthly, yearly that I never seem to match.

I hate the judgement. Yours, that ignorant person’s over there, and always, most terribly my own.

I hate that I’m sitting outside my coffee shop having a tantrum on my blog because I’m too proud, or not ready, or too hurt to do what I know I should. What would probably make it better.

I hate that here I am, having a meltdown, a breakdown, an upset, a disappointment (whatever you want to call it, self help guru geeks) on the way to success and I’m feeling guilty for not having turned it into a break through yet.

I hate that social networking isn’t as fulfilling as real networking because it feels like no one really networks in real life anymore.  And I hate that I know that I’m projecting that based on my own experiences. I hate the path to enlightenment.

Humph. And I think I’m done.  Maybe.

Thank you for listening to my whining. I’m gonna go have fun and find that break through now. Peace out.

http://www.meowcheese.com

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Self Help is Geeky

I don’t know about you, but I have a huge hang-up about self-help, addiction recovery, therapy, etc.  Some inner Viking drive says, “I don’t need help.  I am not weak.  Lame, pathetic people need those things.”

I also think, “if people know about my secret love of spiritual and mental growth, they’ll think I’m a big geek!”

Yeah, because playing clarinet in high school, loving sci-fi and fantasy, running away with the circus and constantly burying my nose in a book hasn’t already given it away.

But this has me thinking, what is it about our society that makes positive change and growth such a stigma?  If you decide to join a group to support you in your not drinking (because well, the rest of the world and media is pretty much your keep drinking support system), then you’re an alcoholic or an addict.  ‘Diets’ are for fat or anorexic people.  Practicing meditation, going to prayer meetings or chanting all has a go ahead and drink the grape kool-aid kind of feel.  Speaking of which, I attended this great seminar called the Landmark Forum, and was told by the internet and a bunch of people who’d never attended it that I was joining a cult.  Seeking happiness?  Well, aren’t you naive…resigned apathy is much, much cooler.

What’s up with that?  Is it a defensive mechanism to keep us from actually doing the work to change?  Is it the influence of pop culture trying to keep us miserable and buy-buy-buying?  Is it peer bashing to keep up the self esteem of the unmotivated?  I don’t know.

What I do know is if everyone told me not to love my cat so much, I’d tell them to ‘eff off.  She makes my life better.  So why do I sometimes get caught up in the stigma’s about behavior change and research that might make my life better?  Discuss.

http://www.icanhascheezburger.com

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Sneaky Resistance

Have you ever tried to change something, or understand something and found that you just can’t seem to make progress?   Or maybe you’ve sought advice and can’t find anything useful amongst the offerings you’ve received. There is a sneaky little reason why this might be.  After all, when you really want to change and grow, the Universe provides.  This could be some kind of spiritual magic, or it could be that when you want to change and grow, you talk about it.  You go out and put out the energy towards change and results and help and answers come because you’re energetic and excited about that change.  So, the first thing to ask yourself, is if you’ve been putting out that energy?

If you’re trying to quit smoking, have you told your smoking friends?  Have you told your non-smoking friends?  Do you maybe notice that you may have told more of your non-smoking friends than your smoking friends?  If the last statement is true, then you might be a victim of what I’m calling sneaky resistance.  See, when we try to change, there is always some part of ourselves that is like a little kitten curled up in the closet taking a nap.  When you open the door to clean out the closet, it sometimes will come shrieking out in a cat-apult of hissing and claws.  But sometimes it will grudgingly move and then pee on everything you take out to reorganize in silent protest.  Our secret comfy, resistant to change self can be just like that second cat.

It doesn’t mean you’ll wake up and find that you’ve peed on your self help books.  Well, at least not normally.  But what you might notice is some of the following things: a resistance to tell people that might ‘judge’ you about your new exciting changes, an attitude of ‘that advice is not for me’ to things you’re hearing, a tendency to get really, really sleepy when the exact info you need is right in front of you, misdirected anger about something or someone who probably is telling you the truth and what you need to hear, but you’re all focused on some seemingly good reason NOT to listen to them.

Right now, you might even be denying what I’m saying.  Your denials will sound perfectly logical.  You will say that you have to be careful of who you trust and take advice from, that you’re sleepy because you’re overworked and actually just tired, say that you don’t need judgement while you’re trying to change, you need positivity.  I challenge you, that these excuses are wrong.  Try something for one week.  Do these four things with as open a mind as you can muster and see what happens.  Hey, you said you wanted a breakthrough, right?

1. Tell EVERYONE what changes you’re working on.  Advice will come in surprising places and healthily debating your side in the case of confrontation will strengthen your stance.

2. Stick with the counselor, friend, pastor, etc that pisses you off the most.  Unless you’re actually being attacked, put any other grievances that have nothing to do with your problem aside and really try on some of the relevant things that they’re saying to you.  Chances are the fact that they like dogs more than cats, or don’t live the same kind of ‘lifestyle’ as you, or speak mostly in dark sarcastic undertones doesn’t discount their advice about how to build a successful business, quit smoking, edit a story, get over trauma, etc if they’ve done these things before.  Listen and try it.

3. Wake up.  When you start getting sleepy in that lecture, therapist appt, while reading that book, while talking to your spouse, whatever growth activity you’re in, notice.  Look up, take a breath, pinch your earlobes, do 5 jumping jacks and pay attention.  You are probably right where you need to be paying attention 80% of the time.  Yes, I made up that statistic, that doesn’t make my point wrong, just my figures.

4. Try everything for one week.  Unless the advice is to jump off a bridge, binge drink, pick up a shotgun, or give up your goals (or in other words blatantly harmful to you or others), try it.  It won’t kill you and you might be surprised that the things you most resist actually help.  When people give you advice, write it all down somewhere and try it all.  Of course some of it won’t work, but if you’re trying to change something in your life, don’t you think its likely that you don’t really know what’s going to work until you try it?  Stop judging.

http://cheezburger.com/1848733952

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Purely Stubborn

Over the last couple of days I’ve been pondering my levels of resistance to change.  On the surface I seem ready to pick up at an instant and move where the wind takes me, and this is probably quite accurate.  But on a more everyday level, I can be unbearably stubborn.  And like most stubborn people, this is often to my detriment.  I have a huge problem doing what people advise me to do.  I am very opinionated about certain things and it can take a typhoon to sway me, yes.  But the bigger problem is the little things.  I know I should wash my face and floss my teeth, hell even brush my teeth before bed.  But I’m tired.  I rebel.  I go to sleep with makeup on and pretend that it’s not that big of a deal, jeez.  But recently trying to actually wash that makeup off even with just a neutrogena cleansing pad has made all the difference in my acne breakouts.  Wouldn’t that have been nice years ago!  When will I start flossing?  When my teeth fall out?

Movies are another thing that bring out my resistance demons.  Despite being told something is amazing, that everyone who watches it thinks of me, I’ll absolutely love it, I just must see it this instant, and its coming up with a five star reccomendation on my Netflix queue, it will often take me a year to actually bite the bullet and see it.  Because even if I hate the movie, I’ll have to see how it ends and then if its awful I’ll have wasted two hours of my life.  But why?  If it sucks, why can’t I just gong it?  Why miss out on great recommendations?

I’m noticing this pattern in a lot of little ways like this in my life.  Why am I so resistant?  Why not try on every piece of advice at least once if its not going to kill me?  This practice could improve my life drastically.  I could feel beautiful (which is important to happiness), be healthier and enjoy new experiences more often.  Or at the very least maybe my teeth won’t fall out.

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