“Yes” to a Performing and Creating Family

Just before I left my new home in Austin to return to NYC for two weeks, I received a Facebook invite from a friend there, Stav Equality Meishar. Since I get around ten invitations a day on facebook, much of it not even remotely near where I live, or could feasibly attend, this was no big thing. In fact, I most likely wouldn’t have even noticed it if it hadn’t included a personal message that this event had made her think of me, specifically. Intrigued, I opened the event page at exactly 12:01pm on April 7th, 2013 to find that it was in fact a notice to audition for what looked like a Cirque troupe here in Austin. An audition that in fact had started just one minute before I opened the invite on that very day.

Image Credit: ashleeholmes.buzznet.com

“Too bad I missed it, looks kind of cool,” was my first thought. Then, “well, I don’t have plans today…but I also don’t have a way to get there, or anything prepared.” Again, “well it looked interesting, maybe in the future.” Then, I told a friend of a friend who was staying in our apartment about it as I fixed my coffee. And suddenly I had the offer of a ride, just like that.  Wait, what?  “No, I’m not going, it already started.  I don’t have anything prepared.”

And that’s when I realized that I was saying “no.” I didn’t need a perfected audition piece, I had dozens of sequences on my trapeze, stage presence, a love of improvising dances on my apparatus, and I could RSVP to the audition and see if they still had any spots open for me to come in. To which I received an almost immediate “yes” back. And suddenly I was committed. I was auditioning for a troupe. Which was fine, I could always try it and see if it was for me, I could always say “no” later, in other words.

Somewhere around the part where we improvised physical theater with each other, I had decided these might be my kind of people. Yes, I was that stubborn about it. It wasn’t until the day that the cast was to be announced and I was anxiously checking my email that I really owned that I wanted to be a part of this group. And it wasn’t until two weeks later, back in Austin and attending rehearsals, timidly trying to learn the awesome dance skills other people were bringing to the table that I started to understand my own resistance and why this opportunity was so special.

See, I hadn’t truly been a part of a group, a whole heart committed, 3-4+ days a week of rehearsals kind of group in five years. I’d dipped my toe into being a part of a circus group in NYC just before I left, but I’d never been able to participate much more than showing up for performances with my own act. I was overbooked, and that felt like all they needed from me anyways. That left my own theater group, which I’d disbanded exhausted, wanting more experience and more time to create my own work, five years prior. On my way to NYC, I learned that I was a core member of the troupe Crash Alchemy back in Austin TX and that we’d be putting on a show in just 5 weeks, on May 18th.

Okay, I didn’t really know what that meant, but I knew I would be dancing and acting and creating and trapezing. I wanted to be a part of building this group, of creating something together. I’d fallen into a family of people who somehow magically wanted to make the kind of things that I wanted to make. And it had all almost happened by accident.  Or maybe by sheer force of the Universe reminding me to say “yes” and stop being so stubborn all the time. It was okay to commit to this. I was more creative, making more art in my life, not less. And the people in the group were there for each other, talented and into the vision of working in multiple disciplines. I think somehow I’d believed that I couldn’t find another group I’d love as much as my hand selected theater group years before. And I’d believed that committing to a group again would stunt my own work again. At the same time, I kept craving and wondering why I couldn’t find community in NYC.  Well, no wonder when I’m this gun shy about commitment, huh.  Head. Trapeze Bar.

May 18th has come and gone with spectacle and love and just more and more amazing talent, community and group love and support.   I am learning what it means to be a part of the right creative family for me, ups and downs, exhaustion and success.  And I wholeheartedly love it and am honored to be a part of it.

Image Credit: Ed Lehmann

 

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I Don’t Want To!!!

So, here it is.  I want to say no.  I want to scream no!  I have no money in the bank, owe some friends money still from the move, owe a lot of creditors money (story of the rest of my life!), and still am literally dragging my reluctant little (okay, not so little) butt, kicking and screaming, to bars with my resume.  This very well may be what the year of saying yes is for.  To push me past my excuses, my blocks, my comfort zones.  But I just don’t want to bartend anymore!!!!!

It doesn’t help that around the corner are very, very positive performance gigs, aerial teaching opportunities, and even a chance to be a Zipline tour guide, while living my life out as a writer and artist in my quietly, less-expensive, Texas existence.  So why should I pile on the edgy makeup, don my cutest Rockabilly duds and flirt with bar managers for a job I really, really don’t want?  Because those magical jobs are around the corner.  Coming up in the next couple of weeks or months.  And my money is gone now.

So, its time to either book some more gigs, tuck my tail between my legs and fly to NYC for a week of emergency, soul-sucking club work, or get a side job asap.  Or all of the above.  So, my stubborn not-so-little butt needs to start saying “yes.”  After all, who’s to say I won’t rekindle my love for slinging drinks in a smaller, cooler town than NYC?  Maybe it will open up other doors… Or maybe my whole body resistance to the job is a sign that I should say “no?”  Oh man, I don’t know.  Well, I guess the only solution is to try saying “yes” if a job opens up and to also try like hell to get something I’d rather do sooner in order to forestall having to don my blacks and mix you a Mexican Martini.

But, this resistance isn’t limited to the bar issue.  I also notice that people have been offering me artistic opportunities in spades, and while I’ve trained my outer persona to nod, “yes” that sounds very interesting!  My inner monologue is going, “do you have time for that?” “Is that helping your career progress?” “Are these the people you want to work with?” “Do you even like that kind of thing?”  These are the questions that NYC artistic living has drilled into my brain.  And they are very useful questions, in their time and place.

However, in a year of saying “yes,” they are stumbling blocks, hiccups of hesitation and self doubt.  The whole point of a year of “yes” is to jump on opportunity and surprise myself with where it leads me.  So, I’ve auditioned with a burlesque troop, started studying fiddle, have plans to start playing clarinet and composing music again, and hopefully in a month will be trading tap lessons for trap lessons!  That’s pretty exciting and totally outside of the realm of what I could have envisioned and directed for myself.  But having to constantly push a vision and a direction for myself might be more of a thing of my NYC past.  Only time will tell.

Moral of the story?  Maybe if the whole world is different here in Austin, if saying “yes” to silks, music and burlesque troops is so great, then bartending will be too.  And if not, well, we don’t want all roses and rainbows for stories anyways, do we?  How boring.  ;)

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Results Inconclusive

I hate to under whelm you my dear readers with my less than conclusively, spectacular results from these first two weeks. But I suppose that’s to be expected from any new beginning.  To be honest, like any new dieter, gym rat, spiritual zealot, or general turn-over-a-new-leafer; there have been obstacles.  Like, no matter how hard I tried on the 8 day road trip to Austin; the cranky, bitchy, intolerant Erinina kept rearing her snippy little head.  It’s a testament to my main squeeze that it wasn’t worse, not that I expect that he’d believe that.  And well, sometimes I just plain forget that I’m supposed to be saying “yes.” Especially when an opportunity presents itself early in the morning. Then when the alarm goes off, all I want to say “yes” to is five more hours of sleep.

But there have been some positive moments too. And little reminders (like this Yoko Ono mug that I happened to spot yesterday in Marfa, TX right before our show) to help me keep on track.

In fact, the agreement to get back in a car for the gig in West Texas, 8 hours away from Austin, in just a little over a week after my week long trek out here from NYC is a fine example of saying “yes.” And because of it, I had the privilege of meeting some of the most amazing, artistic and genuinely lovely people; some great leads on future performances and collaborations, and I remarkably returned to Austin refreshed and ready to rock, as opposed to the exhausted and cranky you’d expect after being on tour and sleeping on couches for four days. All I have to say is if you ever have a chance to get to Terlingua and Marfa…take it. There’s magic there.

I think my biggest initial success with the “yes” project though, has been in saying “yes” to taking the time to get to know people past my first impressions. While some people have proven that those warning flags in that initial first impression were valid, generally there has been surprise and delight in the sincerity and openess of the people I’ve met. It’s probably a tribute to Texans, as much as evidence that I’m on the right path in my life, that people actually are interested in getting to know me, and not just because they want something from me. How refreshing!

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Coming Soon, Everything Will Change

Have you been wondering where I’ve been?  Well, it seems that my journey to Happiness has been sweeping me away.  This is great, except for the part dear friends where I forget to tell you all about it here.  My apologies.

2012 has indeed been a year of change and life shifting.  My Fire Trapeze launched, I took it all the way to Mexico by myself, my understanding of my personal relationships has deepened, my understanding of some of my own demons and how to vanquish them has grown tremendously, some of my writing was published, the year of organization is coming to a close, a decision was made to finally move out of NYC and now 2013 will be an amazing year of new discoveries in Austin, TX for me, my best friend and my fat cat, Evie.

2013 is a whole new life for me.  Besides the amazing new launch that’s coming to my YouTube Channel, there will also be a whole new theme for this blog.  Because change is good people.  And there’s sure to still be tons of happiness and travel related stuff along the way.

Buy This Art Here: www.leadgraffiti.com

See, it all started at Burning Man this year.  The rag tag bunch of misfits I ended up with and the Playa itself had a very important meeting and decided that this would be the year of saying “Yes.”  So, our burn became all about saying yes to anything and everything that came our way, and some pretty magical experiences and people did come our way.  No, I’m not talking about LSD.  That’s still a big “NO” in Erinina Land.  For me, the message was strong that this “yes thing” was something that I needed to try on for a little bit longer.  What would happen if I said “Yes” for 1 year?

Well, as happens when you make a decision and act, Burning Man and the last few months have been a perfect educational trial period for me.  A trial period that came with instructions just for such an endeavor.  For instance, what kind of opportunities am I saying “yes” to?  And how can I say “no,” while still saying “yes?”  And how will I know when to say that “no/yes” versus when to say a “yes/yes?”  What happens when it seems like saying “yes” seems like a logically stupid idea, but my gut says to say “yes” anyways?  Have I said “yes” to too many quotation marks in this sentence?  “Yes.”

Never fear, the answers will come.  It all starts Jan 2nd.  “The Year of Saying Yes,” a documentation that will appropriately begin on the road to Austin TX, when I say “yes” to drugging my cat for the 8 day road trip.  That’s right, get your party on and take your time recovering on New Year’s Day.  Sunday afternoon, tune in for the first official installment of the story of “Yes.”

Don’t worry, there will still be Kittens.

http://www.supercatcare.com

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