Beliefs and Dreams

photo credit: headersfortwitter.com

I have endless lists out there in cyber space and in the myriad journals that I’ve kept throughout the years.  There are to-do lists, wish lists, goal lists, and contrasting diagrams about what I want my life to look like and what it currently looks like spanning the last decade.  It’s all quite interesting really in a sort of self absorbed kind of way.  So, I’ll spare you sharing all of them.

But, I’ve been thinking that I’d like a solid place where I can keep a list of things that I stand for, as well as a place for the things that I am “holding space” for.  A place where I can see it, update it, change it, etc.  A more solid place than some random page in my journal that I can never find.

Well, luckily I have a blog.  Lol.  So this post is going to be far less inspirational, informative or instructive and instead super intimate.  As of today, this is a pretty good representation of what I believe in and personally stand for as well as what I’m seeking in my ideal life, as of July 18th, 2012 at 5:40:39pm.

Beliefs:

I believe in the power of art to change the world.  I believe in telling stories and entertaining to bring joy, laughter, thought, and reflection to an audience.  I believe in making work with quality.  I believe in traveling and sharing things across beliefs, cultures and languages.  I believe in creating dialogues to solve world problems.  I believe in being a light in times of darkness.  I believe in laughing at myself, and our beautiful humanity.  I believe in falling down and getting back up.  I believe in telling it how I see it.  I believe in empowering people, especially children, our future, and those that have lost their sense of power and place in this world.  I have a passion that I believe has a purpose.  I believe that my talents and perspectives give me a voice to share things that matter with the world.

I am the possibility of light and love in all situations.

I am the possibility of the impossible becoming possible.

I am a story-teller.

Dreams:

I want to have the renown and financial success necessary to be able to live and create my art freely with the support, coaching, training, practicing, cultivating, brainstorming, and living that that requires.

I want friendships, romance, partnership, working relationships, love, and positive inspiration around me at all times that will support me and guide me when I feel less that brilliant, positive, or faithful myself.

I want to find that well of energy that fuels a life of creation and joy.

photo credit: fantom-xp.com

 

To be continued…

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The Parameters of Kicking, Whining, Crying, and Hissing My Way Through a Year of Saying “Yes”

Well, we’ve said goodbye to 20-12 and all of it’s magical, earth-shattering, mind-bending forces of change.  And here in Erinina Land, we’re welcoming 2013 with a big bang of our own. We spent the last days of the year packing a moving truck, performing a last mega New Year’s Eve in NYC with no other than Moby (yeah, that Moby), and then in the wee days of 2013, we began a week-long road trip to Austin, TX.  [In fact, I wrote this post originally as planned on January 2nd.  Apparently, we are having technical difficulties…because here I am editing it in draft form on January 11th.  Well, I’m saying “yes” to pushing ahead through mistakes too.  Convenient, eh?]  I am heading west in hopes of a better life, as our forefathers also did.  After all, “there are no Taxes in Texas, and the streets are paved in gold” or something like that*.

So, as I have obsessively been mentioning on multiple social media platforms (like I know what I’m doing), this year also marks my year-long commitment to  saying “yes” to what the world offers to me, and to what my deepest version of my truest self desires.  So what does that hippie sounding, new age weirdness mean exactly? Well, let’s lay out the parameters, shall we?

For a girl who spent quite a few years in NYC learning how to stand up for herself and say “no,” as well as quite a few years before that (all her life), honing her own stubborn Viking traits; it seems time to take that knowledge and you know, try something a little different.  I could become a grumpy old stick in the mud, who knows what she likes, gosh darnit.  Or, it could be time to try on things that I might automatically reject because I think I know better, or because some deep subconscious mind is scared, or even just to listen more deeply, not just to myself (but god forbid), other people, who might have great lessons to impart.  Like, maybe I could listen to someone who could teach me to stop writing super long, run-on sentences, like that last one.  Just Maybe.  Or actually, “yes, I will.”

I fear that over time, I’ve reverted to the two-year-old, protesting just to assert my own control and power.  But, what opportunities am I missing in my stubborn, drag my heels, “don’t tell me what to do, I know what’s best for me, and what I like, and where I’m going” mentality? Do I really always know whats best for me?  Likely not.  Unless, we’re talking about the part of me that requires deep peace and quiet, or disciplined meditation in order to be heard above all the stubborn Ego Erinina-isms.

Alright, alright.  So, that’s the basic why.  And my previous post discusses the serendipitous steps that brought me to this epiphany of saying “yes.”  Now, let’s set some parameters.  How do I say “yes,” and when?  Because, well, sorry to say, creepers…but the year of saying yes does not mean you can hit on me and I’ll just say “yes, whatever you want.”  Nope, nope, nope.  That’s not how it works.  Here’s how it works:

1. When the Universe (or you know, just a person in it) presents an opportunity that will not jeopardize my health, sanity, or predetermined goals for the year; I will say “yes.”

2. When my deepest, truest self sings to me to follow, or ties my stomach in knots with warning; I will say “yes, I am listening,” and take the necessary steps to stay on the path that is right and safe for me.  I will also not use fear as an excuse, since I have spent enough time listening to myself to know the difference between a fear that means, “yes, go forward” and a knot in my stomach that says “don’t let this psycho kill you.”

3. When I must say “no” to someone, I will say so in a way that validates them and their invitation, by saying “Yes, but that is not for me” or “Yes, but I cannot do that right now.”  Unless they are total creepers.  Then, I get to say “yes” to totally telling them that they’re a creeper.  Because my deepest, truest self can be a little sassafras.

4. I say “yes” to failure and learning.  I am already failing and saying “no” out of habit and doing the kicking and screaming against change that is in my nature.  I expect pitfalls.  I say “yes, bring them on.”  At least this blog will be more interesting for y’all.  I mean, trust me, next week’s post is already full of me ‘effing this whole thing up.  Read on, my trusty followers.  This is likely to be one interesting tug of war between my ego and my super ego and, well, you know, just the everyday shit of life.  Sorry mom, but I’m also saying “yes” to swearing.  I swear.  Like a sailor.  Someday, I want to be a sailor.  Makes sense, I guess.

Alright, alright.  I think that is enough for now.  Parameters set.  We can always add amendments later.  After all, if the founding fathers can’t get the constitution right on the first try, cut me some slack.  I’m just a blog writer people.

 

*You’re supposed to sing this quote to the song, “There Are No Cats in America” from An American Tail.  Also, from what I can tell so far…there are just as many taxes in Texas as there were cats in America.  Go Figure.

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Coming Soon, Everything Will Change

Have you been wondering where I’ve been?  Well, it seems that my journey to Happiness has been sweeping me away.  This is great, except for the part dear friends where I forget to tell you all about it here.  My apologies.

2012 has indeed been a year of change and life shifting.  My Fire Trapeze launched, I took it all the way to Mexico by myself, my understanding of my personal relationships has deepened, my understanding of some of my own demons and how to vanquish them has grown tremendously, some of my writing was published, the year of organization is coming to a close, a decision was made to finally move out of NYC and now 2013 will be an amazing year of new discoveries in Austin, TX for me, my best friend and my fat cat, Evie.

2013 is a whole new life for me.  Besides the amazing new launch that’s coming to my YouTube Channel, there will also be a whole new theme for this blog.  Because change is good people.  And there’s sure to still be tons of happiness and travel related stuff along the way.

Buy This Art Here: www.leadgraffiti.com

See, it all started at Burning Man this year.  The rag tag bunch of misfits I ended up with and the Playa itself had a very important meeting and decided that this would be the year of saying “Yes.”  So, our burn became all about saying yes to anything and everything that came our way, and some pretty magical experiences and people did come our way.  No, I’m not talking about LSD.  That’s still a big “NO” in Erinina Land.  For me, the message was strong that this “yes thing” was something that I needed to try on for a little bit longer.  What would happen if I said “Yes” for 1 year?

Well, as happens when you make a decision and act, Burning Man and the last few months have been a perfect educational trial period for me.  A trial period that came with instructions just for such an endeavor.  For instance, what kind of opportunities am I saying “yes” to?  And how can I say “no,” while still saying “yes?”  And how will I know when to say that “no/yes” versus when to say a “yes/yes?”  What happens when it seems like saying “yes” seems like a logically stupid idea, but my gut says to say “yes” anyways?  Have I said “yes” to too many quotation marks in this sentence?  “Yes.”

Never fear, the answers will come.  It all starts Jan 2nd.  “The Year of Saying Yes,” a documentation that will appropriately begin on the road to Austin TX, when I say “yes” to drugging my cat for the 8 day road trip.  That’s right, get your party on and take your time recovering on New Year’s Day.  Sunday afternoon, tune in for the first official installment of the story of “Yes.”

Don’t worry, there will still be Kittens.

http://www.supercatcare.com

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Learn How to Fly

This entry originally appeared on my 43Things blog back in 2009.  Since Fire Trapezing is taking up a lot of my time right now, I thought it was a good one to reblog here.  Enjoy!

“There are many ways to fly: spiritually, emotionally, physically…and all are worth doing.”

How I did it: I was supposed to grant this wish to a stranger whose rock I pulled from the wishing well at Burning Man this year.  Unfortunately, the rock kept running away from me and Genesy, I’m sorry that I never got to you.  But, perhaps you will stumble here, or I’ll find you on the eplaya site.

At any rate, no I am not god, so I cannot grow you wings, or defy the current laws of the universe.  However, as far as I know, these are some pretty acceptable alternatives to choose from based on your own personal preferences and limitations.

Physically:

Hang gliding
Para sailing
Aerial dance (silk, trapeze [static or flying], hoop, harness, etc.)
Sky diving
Climbing and Repelling
Acro-yoga
Anti gravity chambers or becoming an astronaut

Emotionally:

Growth
Love
Overcoming fear

Spiritually

Fasting
Chanting
Enlightenment
Lucid Dreaming (and flying!)

(hey, don’t knock it til you try it)

Lessons & tips: A lot of the things on my list are easily and readily available in most cities now.  Go out and try it.  Tomorrow.  Life is short.  Do the close approximation if you can’t grow wings, it will still be better than sitting and wishing.

http://www.wallpapertree.com

http://www.soyoungthekpopers.blogspot.com

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Monies for Fires

Photo by Carlos Henriquez

If you haven’t seen my video debut of the fire trapeze last weekend.  You need to check it out here.

But here’s the thing…I’m like “this” close to getting my very own freelance performing and writing career launched.  “This” close, I tell ‘ya.  ;)

But I need your help!  Here’s why:

I invented a fire trapeze.  Why?  I had a dream about it in Peru and thought, how amazing? How death defying?  If Circus exists to give us hope, to make us marvel, to think: if that’s possible, anything is possible!  Then, I’m in.

And what is more awe inspiring than a girl on her trapeze, sharing her passion and talents, invoking laughter, provoking thought with movement, a girl that dances even as the ropes of her apparatus burn?

Oh, and she survives.

That’s a nice metaphor for our current world, no?

2 years of research and design, and it works!  People want me to perform.  They want me to tour.  They may even want me on TV.  And once completed, this act demands the kind of pay that I can live on.  The problem?  It is going to cost me at minimum another $5,000 to do it safely, properly and awesomely.  And that’s the minimum.  Defying death does not come cheap, apparently.

If you can donate even $1, please do so.  If you can share the link below, even better.  Let me make great art and dazzle the world with fire!  http://www.indiegogo.com/erinina?a=122333

Love and Peace,

Erinina

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Fighting Words

I would like to learn to fight in a couple of different senses.

1. I’d love to be able to be a person that wins the argument or the altercation with whomever is picking a fight with me just by knowing how to be the right combination of patient, cryptic, sassy or just plain non-engaging. This is probably one of those never perfect kind of goals though.

2. I’d like to know how in theory to kick butt MMA style. However, I am so not interested in the beatings that actually being an MMA fighter may involve. I’d also love to do this in some kind of movie, performance, etc.

3. I’d like to learn how to knife fight. Not because I ever want to get into a knife fight, I’ve seen the gory pictures. But because in a life or death scenario, I think that would be my weapon of choice (seems less immediately deadly when defending yourself) and I’d like to know how to do it well and with control.  Like I said, just in case I ever need to.

Me, Drunken, Viking Warrior

 

Cat, Fist Warrior: http://www.graphicshunt.com

 

Cats, Martial Warriors: http://www.graphicshunt.com

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The Ideal List

I hate the sound of a Bucket List. I mean, all the things I want to do won’t ever fit into a bucket! Hello! ;)

But I figure I’ve always had them. Might as well post one here. The thing is that a couple of years ago, I really made peace with my life. I decided that If I kicked off tomorrow, I’ve done the bare minimum for me. That’s probably very different for you, but I’ve done some cool shit, I’ve learned a lot and I’m okay if I get another go at it, or if I don’t.

Some friends construed this as Depression rearing its ugly head. Others as Enlightenment. Funny, right? The point is, I was content with what I’ve done thus far. I wondered if ambition would kiss my cursed head again. But as my Aunt Nancy said, “You always do it big Erin, no matter what it is.” I’m pretty sure that was a compliment. Like a big one. I’m also pretty sure ambition is equally a blessing and a curse.

Point of the story is that I decided in January that I’m officially done working for anyone else. Whatever it takes. That’s right, them be fighting words. Strong ones, and lo and behold, my good frenemy Ambition pledged alliance to my cause.

So, while very career-oriented at the moment, I seem not to be either quite dead, or quite ready to don Buddha’s robes. So, I’m starting an Ideal list. Like, I said, if death comes right now, I’m pretty good. But if it doesn’t, it would be pretty cool to do these things:

-Become famous as the inventor/peformer of my fire trapeze.
-Stop sex slavery.
-Help people to be empowered.
-Not worry about money. Live and give freely.
-Live on a boat and travel the world without feeling trapped.
-Buy land for my friend Mayten’s projects in Peru.
-Get the perfume True Love by Elizabeth Arden re-released with my name.
-Publish Superhero Dreams. And be happy with it.
-Publish a secret memoir. Have stories for a secret memoir. ;)
-Upcycle more art than garbage I toss.
-Actually learn organization and money management. Or be able to hire people good at that.
-Spend my life loved and loving with partners and a community.
-Leave the world better.

To be continued…

http://rulingcatsanddogs.com

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Me? Just Building An Artistic Empire…

WARNING:  This post has lots of cool links…

I used to think that I needed to pick something and focus on it.  To pick one skill, one love, one talent and put everything I have into it with hopes of becoming the best.  I used to think that was success.  Being the best.

Fast forward past years of torturing myself over the knowledge that one can never really be ‘the best.’  And realizing that even in the unlikely event that you are say, Lady Gaga, a gold medal Olympian or what have you…that moment of best-ness is at best fleeting.  Man, no wonder I have depression.*

Lately, I’ve taken the “make small steps daily in all of your interests” approach to designing the life of my dreams.  I call it the Get Out of the Night Club Plan.  Every week I put real effort into each of 6 major projects.  And I have papers posted in my living room to document my progress.  Each week I do small things in each category, but real, productive and consistent things.  And I’m happy to say that its paying off!  Almost all of my projects are gaining in recognition and interest, some of them are even starting to pay a little.  I’m having fun because pay or no pay, I’ve decided that this is my work.  So I’m doing things I love for work.  I have a good feeling about this.

Last night, as I surveyed my progress over dinner, I realized that my output was starting to look like an artistic empire.  Something Kim Kardashian or Britney Spears would approve of.  After all, I have the beginnings of a jewelry line, an upcycled art line, a fire trapeze invention, a performance career, multiple blogs, an internet presence, a fiction project, and a few other surprises in the works.  “Damn girl,” I said to myself.  Indeed, why should the celebrities have all the fun?

I’m reading the $100 Start-Up by Chris Guillebeau and so far its like having someone tell me, “yes, yes, you’re doing it right!”  Kind of makes me wonder where I got that whole “you can only focus on one thing” limiting idea in the first place.  I mean, I’ve always been a multitasker.  In high school, I’m not even sure I knew what extracurricular activity I was supposed to be at and when.  Same with Sarah Lawrence.  These were also some of the happiest, most productive times in my life.  Seems I get a bit bored and cranky when I try to be too focused.  I need side projects to stay motivated across all platforms.

And the good news is that means that one or more of my projects is more likely to be a success.  Because I’m putting out there what I think people might want and what I’m passionate about…but I can’t actually know what people will be passionate about, so might as well put out more than less, right? As long as I’m still putting out in each area, of course.  And as long as someone can keep me organized.  I personally have a lovely friend who works a couple of hours a week as my assistant to keep my crazy mind on track.  And it’s totally worth it.  I also pay someone else to do my laundry, which costs the same as 2 dinners out/month.  Again, it’s totally worth it.  Because then I get to do more fun stuff, like make this:

Necktie Coffee Sleeve at
http://www.etsy.com/shop/Erinina7

 

*Just kidding, I know I have depression because my brain chemistry is all fucocked.  But I write this to clean up some of the messes my brain chemistry left all over my thoughts.

Oh, and here’s some cupfuls of kitten:

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What Have You Done For Me Lately? -Sincerely, Your Dreams

Wow.  I’m so glad I wrote that last post about what I’m actually looking for.  And put it out there.  And have friends like Christine Sachs to nudge/shove me onwards with it when I felt like no one was listening.  Just writing it all down started a process in my head about what I want my life to look like, which was very valuable.  Because I had keywords to search Craigslist for when I started job searching during last night’s Penicillin-induced insomnia.  See, normally I would have just clicked on the areas where I feel I have experience, or in the writing section in general, or searched for the usual part-time suspects and gotten super frustrated and bored by my options and then given up.

But, now I had ideas of what excites me, what lights me up, what kind of environments and jobs would support my dreams and make me happy and fulfilled.  Because happy and fulfilled yields more energy for pursuing my dreams!  I did an all job search with the words boat, fiction, edgy writers, bloggers, health, whatever words came to my head and seemed in line with things that I love.  And, I found things I wouldn’t have. I found things to spark my imagination, things I didn’t know existed, and things that I would probably make excuses for not being ready to pursue if I’d searched for them directly.

Examples:

I found a start-up publishing company of excited, quirky, young, but experienced editors and publishers that publish the kind of fiction that I love and write and support new authors.  Even authors like me, who haven’t finished the novel yet, but know where they’re going with it and are putting in the work.  A publishing company that I’m super excited and nervous about approaching.  In my world excited and nervous are good.  It means you’re headed in the right direction.  It means I have motivation for drafting a proposal letter, for pulling the 10 best pages of my writing, for doing that work.  Even if this one doesn’t work out, its encouraging to know there are awesome companies like this one to find out there. And, I’ll have written a letter or query, or whatever you write…which means by this time next week, I’ll probably know what a book proposal or a letter of query looks like.  ;)

I also found a volunteer position at NY Row that I want to apply for.  I miss the water, the exhilaration of racing that boat with 3-7 other women with only your power and teamwork.  This company gives that and much more back to youth who wouldn’t normally be exposed to a rowing team.  I can totally get behind everything they’re doing.  I may only be able to volunteer once a week, but if accepted, it could be far more rewarding than a paid gig anyways.  Plus it’s not at 4am…big plus!  Again, there’s that excitement.  That, I really, really want to do this.

I also have tentatively been offered an article writing job.  It’s not perfect, but it’s not too shabby either.  If it works out, it would be my first paid, consistent freelance writing gig.  And hey, consistent and paid are words to warm a freelancer’s heart.

I feel like I’m redesigning what I want my life to look like.  I don’t have any new jobs yet.  But, the possibilities are opening my mind to new ideas, new ways of approaching this freelance life.  And I’m finding new paths towards my dreams.  I realized that there were paths and opportunities in my chosen passions that I had been discounting or not seeing.  And that made me realize that if I, an adamant dream hunter, can miss those opportunities; then how many others out there must be doing the same thing.

So, I just want to ask you.  What are you missing in your life?  Is there a hobby you miss pursuing?  Is there that thing you’d do if you just had the time?  Do you have a dream that you’ve let slide?  What if you really could design your life how you wanted to, one step at a time?  What if the first step is just putting your desire out there to your most positive friends, family and mover and shakers?  Most changes are just small steps and slowly shifting perspectives anyways, right?  What if you gave your dream just one evening a week, or two hours on a Saturday morning?  My argument remains, if you’ve been given a dream in life, you’re meant to achieve it.  That might just be the reason you’re here.

http://www.fanpop.com

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Is Balance Bullsh*t?

So much of my life as a creative individual has been spent seeking one form of balance or another.  I’ve skated between extremes of productivity and laziness, observing and doing, listening and shouting, playing with others and retreating to solitude, partying hard and healing my body, and the ever relevant creating or stagnating.  Always seeking that elusive thing called balance.

I’m toying with a new belief here.  It is:

“Balance doesn’t exist unless you’re doing Acrobatics.”

Because let’s be honest, is it actually something you can attain in the realm of emotions, internal drives, external factors, the path of goal-seeking, etc.?  I’m starting to think that it isn’t.  And even more to the point, that the time spent riding the Ferris Wheel of Life up or down is good no matter which way you’re going.  Because its a different point of view.

You may have just noticed that I used Ferris Wheel instead of Roller Coaster in my analogy.  Because those periods of stagnation and those periods of creativity seem to be longer and more sustained than the abrupt rises and falls of the usual metaphor.  And Ferris Wheels are fun on the way up and the way down!

This week I am going to try on this idea that Balance is a myth and see where it takes me.  At the very least, the guilt in not being able to achieve it will be alleviated.  I strongly believe that if an idea doesn’t serve you, you shouldn’t use it.  And feeling guilty for being who you are definitely falls into that category.

What do you think?  Have you ever really achieved sustainable balance in anything?

telegraph.co.uk

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