This is an unabashed declaration of what I want. Thanks to Crash Alchemy for encouraging me to write down all of the things that I’ve been processing since the beginning of the summer, and to the Full Moon Circle of very special women a week ago for the mantra that seems to be exploding through old thought patterns and expanding my world and my ideas of my own worth, and how to think about what I am creating.
I want to be A BAD ASS.
I want to be the aerialist that I was at my peak of training (and then even better than that). I want to learn all things fire. I want to have fire rehearsal time. I want to have dance rehearsal time. I want my center splits and a bendier back. I don’t just want to train everyone else to do aerial and not get pushed in other skills in return. I do want to work more with others on physical theater drills, and build some consistent practice around that (as much for me as for everyone else!). I want an aerial/dance/acrobatics/fire partner who will show up and work with me consistently. I want to be able to lift people and do crazy things. I want to surprise myself and learn some tumbling. I want to master my hand stands. I want to learn break dancing and tap dancing, and flamenco and belly dancing (I’ve already been taking the belly dancing, at home with videos, because it’s what I have access to). I whole heartedly LOVE to teach others aerials and physical theater, but also want to be able to train myself, and continue to be pushed and trained in return.
I love showcasing the things that I’m awesome at. I love getting to do characters and aerials, because its my jam, and I know I’m good at it, and I feel that I’m being utilized for my skills, and actualized and all of that jazz. But I also like when I’m pushed to be better at what I’m not good at too, because I won’t do it on my own. I want both. I want it all. I want to be a part of a group that cares about each other, and works hard, but also are professional bad asses. I want to succeed. I plan on ‘making it’ as an artist, and want to be around others who do too. I want to be around others who aren’t just having fun in their downtime, but serious about success. And I also want to be around others who have fun, even while they work hard. I want to be famous. I want to leave my mark on the world as a performance artist and writer. I want to be treated with respect at all times, and to be trusted to be an individual artist as well as a collective artist. I want to be trusted that what I do as an individual or with one group strengthens what I bring to back to my relationships with another group or individual. My creative power is mine to bring and share, and is not something that someone can own, or possess. It is something they can use, share, challenge, grow, and work with.
I want artists to stop being jealous, catty, competitive and secretive. I want artists to see that we are not living in scarcity. I want my transformation from thinking of myself as a starving artist to thinking of myself as a creator of abundance to seep into our communities. Our very creativity is limited if we think of ourselves as living in a place of scarcity. There are enough ideas out there. There are enough students to learn from us, and teachers to teach us. There is enough work, are enough gigs, is enough money, for us all. We can only benefit from pushing each other to be the best we can be.
I want to be full of love and light and joy. I want to enjoy my life, and to take time for the people who I care about. I want the abundance in my life that will allow for that. I want to remember what is important, to keep my ground on things that matter to my values and my quality of life. I want to keep taking steps towards being a better person to myself. I want to keep finding the discipline and desire to let the best parts of myself shine, and to not let the worst parts of myself rule my life and actions. I want to remember to love myself and to be surrounded with people who also value me, and whom I value. I want to learn better how to say the hard to say negative things that I may need to say in order to assert my boundaries in a way that is loving, but doesn’t compromise how I feel about what I need, can give, or want in order to make someone else feel better. I want to have said that last sentence better, more concisely, but also want to just leave it there and let it be, as it flowed through my mind.
And I still want to be a sarcastic, smart ass. A hopeful skeptic. And a clown, always a clown, willing to laugh at myself and the world.
I want to dance in the joy of success for a while, before the next bout of growth and challenge, or even through the next bout of growth and challenge. I want to give myself that time and permission, while continuing my journey and success. I want to love and be loved with depth, for who we truly are, un-apologetically, not with caveats and requests that we be someone different, or perfect, or with expectation that we will replace or fix what is missing in each other’s lives. I want to love and be loved with acceptance and forgiveness for our mistakes, and gentle enhancing of strengths and strengthening of weaknesses. I want to be surrounded with others who want to be better in all areas of their lives. I want to be surrounded with people who have fun and are positive, and who find working and growing fun and positive experiences.
I want to be wealthy. I want a wealth of love, of money, of creativity, of strength, of desire, of drive, of questions to keep asking the world. I want to keep being filled with wonder and hope for the world, without naiveté, but with wonder and hope despite all of the wisdom and knowledge that can be gained. I want to be valued, and to know my own worth.
And I already am and have all of these things. I am creating them, right now, in each moment with each of you.
Thank you. If you made it this far, thank you for being a part of this creation. Here is your cat picture.
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