I can’t believe it. Seriously, I just blew my own mind. I am so self-critical and judgemental that I actually get mad at myself for ‘wasting so much time’ working each day. That’s right, some little voice in my head is yelling at me for taking the time everyday to write, learn, promote and generally keep up with the businesses that I am working on.
In all fairness, I think this voice is screaming at me because it wants to be flying, and conditioning at home (no matter how awesome my body looks) isn’t meeting its needs. But, if you could hear this voice, you’d think I was just watching TV and drinking mimosas all day. Not that that’s never happened mind you. In point of fact, I think that this voice comes from periods in my life when I do little more than watch my Netflix queue, shift from guzzling coffee to wine around 5 and troll Facebook ‘liking’ people’s posts in a lonely attempt to feel connected. Because that’s what I do when I get depressed. And depression is a thing for me. A battle that I’m so glad I have Zoloft to help me fight now. Zoloft and this blog. Because sharing my strategies in this battle might hopefully help someone else to win the war too.
So then, this voice is a throw back. An unheeded warning cry if you will. Screaming into my psyche that spending too much time on my computer, alone in my apartment, in my comfy bed, means I’m not fulfilling my goals. But this is kind of the great thing! I’m not depressed. I’m actively trying to reach my goals. I’m showing up to the page each day to write. I’m researching marketing and internet concepts. I’m trying things out, failing, and keeping at it. I’m learning how to create, run and manage my online store. I’m consolidating my ‘brands.’ I’m working. And I happen to enjoy the fact that I can do this from my bed before I even put clothes on! How great is that! I love it! I enjoy it so much that the first thing I do in the morning (after pouring coffee) is check out my internet presence to make a plan for the day. I’m not mindlessly trolling through Facebook like an outsider. I’m checking up on my community, looking for role models, just writing. How cool!
But as Lisa Neumann says, that screaming voice (whining teenager, inner critic, child, pessimist, whichever one it is) needs to be heard. I suspect that its distinctly possible that it is screaming because in past moments of depression it went unheard. But it is also possible that my body is crying out for my passion, my trapeze. Because writing and working takes time out of training. And I’ve had to work more hours at the bar lately, so its hard to find the time to commute to the gym. Don’t get me wrong, I’m training my butt off at home with some pretty awesome tools, but I don’t yet have my trapeze up, so I miss being in the air 5 days a week. And I deeply miss my aerial family. I need to listen to this voice a little bit, reassure it, come up with a plan. Maybe I really should consider going out of my apartment sometimes to work, or setting ‘official work hours.’ And I do have a super stellar practice scheduled for Wednesday on my fire apparatus! But I think that I also need to find the voice inside me that honors my very real work. My cheerleader voice.
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