So, here it is. I want to say no. I want to scream no! I have no money in the bank, owe some friends money still from the move, owe a lot of creditors money (story of the rest of my life!), and still am literally dragging my reluctant little (okay, not so little) butt, kicking and screaming, to bars with my resume. This very well may be what the year of saying yes is for. To push me past my excuses, my blocks, my comfort zones. But I just don’t want to bartend anymore!!!!!
It doesn’t help that around the corner are very, very positive performance gigs, aerial teaching opportunities, and even a chance to be a Zipline tour guide, while living my life out as a writer and artist in my quietly, less-expensive, Texas existence. So why should I pile on the edgy makeup, don my cutest Rockabilly duds and flirt with bar managers for a job I really, really don’t want? Because those magical jobs are around the corner. Coming up in the next couple of weeks or months. And my money is gone now.
So, its time to either book some more gigs, tuck my tail between my legs and fly to NYC for a week of emergency, soul-sucking club work, or get a side job asap. Or all of the above. So, my stubborn not-so-little butt needs to start saying “yes.” After all, who’s to say I won’t rekindle my love for slinging drinks in a smaller, cooler town than NYC? Maybe it will open up other doors… Or maybe my whole body resistance to the job is a sign that I should say “no?” Oh man, I don’t know. Well, I guess the only solution is to try saying “yes” if a job opens up and to also try like hell to get something I’d rather do sooner in order to forestall having to don my blacks and mix you a Mexican Martini.
But, this resistance isn’t limited to the bar issue. I also notice that people have been offering me artistic opportunities in spades, and while I’ve trained my outer persona to nod, “yes” that sounds very interesting! My inner monologue is going, “do you have time for that?” “Is that helping your career progress?” “Are these the people you want to work with?” “Do you even like that kind of thing?” These are the questions that NYC artistic living has drilled into my brain. And they are very useful questions, in their time and place.
However, in a year of saying “yes,” they are stumbling blocks, hiccups of hesitation and self doubt. The whole point of a year of “yes” is to jump on opportunity and surprise myself with where it leads me. So, I’ve auditioned with a burlesque troop, started studying fiddle, have plans to start playing clarinet and composing music again, and hopefully in a month will be trading tap lessons for trap lessons! That’s pretty exciting and totally outside of the realm of what I could have envisioned and directed for myself. But having to constantly push a vision and a direction for myself might be more of a thing of my NYC past. Only time will tell.
Moral of the story? Maybe if the whole world is different here in Austin, if saying “yes” to silks, music and burlesque troops is so great, then bartending will be too. And if not, well, we don’t want all roses and rainbows for stories anyways, do we? How boring. ;)
when we are actively seeking we can’t help but find our way.